Let's Panic About Pregnancy!
As you are currently drunk on gestation-related hormones, as well as perhaps a snort or three of sherry, you may believe you married the perfect mate: a dreamboat whose body odor brings to mind freshly baked pumpkin pie; a gentleman who flirts with your grandmother; a specimen whose many talents include baking a Sacher torte from scratch. Naturally you want your baby to turn out just like him, don’t you?
You silly fools.
While I am sure your partner is "hot stuff," or whatever terminology you prefer, surely you are overlooking his many and varied flaws.
Click here to allow our guest columnist, Mrs. Robert G. Wrightson, to explain in great detail how you can prevent these flaws from being passed on to your fetus!
Enlightening Anagram Corner!
Uterine Prolapse: A LEPER'S ERUPTION
Uterine Prolapse: A LEPER'S ERUPTION
Timeless Pregnancy Wisdom
Everything that's wrong with your life is all your mother's fault.
Did you know? In other countries, women get pregnant and have babies.
Want to learn more about your baby's astrologically-destined personality? It's all here!
How to tolerate your partner's need for love when you can't fucking stand to be near him.
Your partner wants to be deeply involved in your pregnancy! Put him in the nausea simulator, quick!
Should you panic about H1N1?
More than you can even imagine.
There are all manner of seemingly benign foods that are in fact incredibly dangerous to your helpless, helpless baby. For example, coffee will cross the placenta and cause your baby to grow a thick, hairy pelt.
Sixth Month: You Think You Can't Possibly Get Any Bigger? Hilarious! Did you know that now that you're in your sixth month, you're a delusional, pants-wetting heartburn sufferer?
Our Customizable Birth Plan Just throw this at the first orderly you see and start pushing!
Quiz: What Are They Thinking?
What does the president of France really think of you?
Surviving Bed Rest
Make your own counterweight trebuchet!
Non-Pregnancy-Related Trivia You Can Discuss with Your Non-Pregnant Friends
Apparently those jerks want to talk about something other than the miracle growing inside you.
What to Look For in a Pediatrician
Will you choose the attachment-parenting advocate, or the attachment-loathing automaton?
Who's Going to Catch That Baby?
Wait -- do you even have a birth philosophy?
Ask Dr. Bradley and Dr. Kennedy!
"I am worried that after I have my baby my husband will cheat on me."
It Really Happened! Delilah's Discovery
"I told her that vomit was one of Nature’s ways of telling me I was with child."
Everything that's wrong with your life is all your mother's fault.
Did you know? In other countries, women get pregnant and have babies.
Want to learn more about your baby's astrologically-destined personality? It's all here!
How to tolerate your partner's need for love when you can't fucking stand to be near him.
Your partner wants to be deeply involved in your pregnancy! Put him in the nausea simulator, quick!
Should you panic about H1N1?
More than you can even imagine.
There are all manner of seemingly benign foods that are in fact incredibly dangerous to your helpless, helpless baby. For example, coffee will cross the placenta and cause your baby to grow a thick, hairy pelt.
Sixth Month: You Think You Can't Possibly Get Any Bigger? Hilarious! Did you know that now that you're in your sixth month, you're a delusional, pants-wetting heartburn sufferer?
Our Customizable Birth Plan Just throw this at the first orderly you see and start pushing!
Quiz: What Are They Thinking?
What does the president of France really think of you?
Surviving Bed Rest
Make your own counterweight trebuchet!
Non-Pregnancy-Related Trivia You Can Discuss with Your Non-Pregnant Friends
Apparently those jerks want to talk about something other than the miracle growing inside you.
What to Look For in a Pediatrician
Will you choose the attachment-parenting advocate, or the attachment-loathing automaton?
Who's Going to Catch That Baby?
Wait -- do you even have a birth philosophy?
Ask Dr. Bradley and Dr. Kennedy!
"I am worried that after I have my baby my husband will cheat on me."
It Really Happened! Delilah's Discovery
"I told her that vomit was one of Nature’s ways of telling me I was with child."
Let's Panic About Parenthood!
Panic is underrated, but so is blame. Some things really aren't your fault! So why shouldn't the responsible parties face the shame they deserve for ruining your life? Winning the blame game can be a beautiful, satisfying experience, and no one knows that better than the survivor of a slightly less-than-perfect childhood.
In the currency of parenthood, blame and panic are two sides of the same coin. If a parent hasn't fully and successfully panicked about their child, the child will have no choice but to blame the hell out of her parents for every unforeseeable danger they failed to anticipate, control, and squelch. It's a simple law of numismatics.
Still don't get it? Click here to find out more!
Some Let's Panic About Parenthood Favorites!
Worried about your baby’s behavior? You should be.
Which baby products do you *really* need? Click here to find out!
Can you take your baby to a bar? Well . . .
10 Things Not to Say to Your Child -- “I’m going to bend over, you look and tell me if I missed a spot.”
How do you communicate to your child that you still love him but don't approve of his behavior? With these simple non-yelling suggestions!
Halloween costumes you should have made the effort to wear this year, for the sake of your child.
Incorporate exercise into every minute of your day! OR DIE TRYING.
Your Post-Childbirth Vagina: Get To Know It!
Brace yourself for the most graphic post-birth images you've ever seen.
Camouflaging Your Postpartum Figure
Do you need mirrors? A sandwich board? YES. YOU DO.
Interpreting Your Baby's Cries
What's that sound coming out of Baby's face-hole?
Baby's Here! Your Life is Over
Look, now that you have the baby, you'll have to take care of it for the next few months at least, so why not make the best of it?
Figuring Out What Baby Really Needs
Force your sleep-deprived eyes open — your baby is trying to tell you something!
Do's and Don'ts for Discussing Childbirth
Get ready to sugar-coat your birth stories!
Q & A with Dr. Bradley
Show that baby who's boss!
Worried about your baby’s behavior? You should be.
Which baby products do you *really* need? Click here to find out!
Can you take your baby to a bar? Well . . .
10 Things Not to Say to Your Child -- “I’m going to bend over, you look and tell me if I missed a spot.”
How do you communicate to your child that you still love him but don't approve of his behavior? With these simple non-yelling suggestions!
Halloween costumes you should have made the effort to wear this year, for the sake of your child.
Incorporate exercise into every minute of your day! OR DIE TRYING.
Your Post-Childbirth Vagina: Get To Know It!
Brace yourself for the most graphic post-birth images you've ever seen.
Camouflaging Your Postpartum Figure
Do you need mirrors? A sandwich board? YES. YOU DO.
Interpreting Your Baby's Cries
What's that sound coming out of Baby's face-hole?
Baby's Here! Your Life is Over
Look, now that you have the baby, you'll have to take care of it for the next few months at least, so why not make the best of it?
Figuring Out What Baby Really Needs
Force your sleep-deprived eyes open — your baby is trying to tell you something!
Do's and Don'ts for Discussing Childbirth
Get ready to sugar-coat your birth stories!
Q & A with Dr. Bradley
Show that baby who's boss!
