Archive for July 2009

July 31, 2009: Let’s Panic About Being a Needy Writing Partner

Posted by Eden M. Kennedy on Jul 31, 2009 at 3:03 pm in Latest News, News, Uncategorized

Apparently my absence last week was deeply felt. Dr. Bradley seems to think that while I’m off at an important gathering of Internet Millionaires she can just sit around and complain about all the work she has to do without me holding her damp hand and making her special lumbago tea. Honestly, she knows I’ll make it up to her, which I did this week by constructing a fascinating new article about controlling your baby with the ancient science of Voodoo. Did I say controlling? Silly me! I meant bonding, BONDING with your baby safely and harmlessly. Using black magic.

When Alice finally stopped pouting about me going away FOR THE WEEKEND — it was just THREE DAYS, my god — when she finally stopped punishing me with the silent treatment, we were able to join forces merrily, as is our way, to churn out another brilliant advice column. Where does your uterus go when you’re not looking? Look no further, for we are the only ones who will tell you the bizarre, unholy truth. Because scaring the crap out of people is how we have our fun.

Be sure to visit Let’s Panic! every day. We only update it once or twice a week, but we need the hits to bolster our self-worth.

July 24, 2009: Still panicking.

Posted by Alice on Jul 24, 2009 at 4:32 pm in Uncategorized

The relentless grind continues at Let’s Panic headquarters. Sadly, one of us (we won’t say which one) is gallivanting around at some sort of “conference,” which is most likely code for “laudanum-fueled depravity.” That leaves only one of us (a.k.a. me) to do all the grueling, thankless work. And let me tell you, readers, it’s not as easy or glamorous as it appears. There are stock photos to be downloaded. “Copy” to be “written.” Meaningless quotation marks to be removed from said copy. Galley slaves to be vigorously whipped. AND I have a cold.

So while we, I mean I, toil (despite having a cold, which could be and probably is something far more serious and lethal), the other one, a.k.a. Eden, is pretending to network while she’s actually snorting oxycodone off of the freshly waxed chest of Gary, the Tide Detergent marketing rep.

At least I’m here. Thank God for me, I am sure you’re thinking. I mean, if I were also cavorting around the Windy City, doing whatever or having intercourse with who-knows-what, there would be no one to bring you this week’s features, and you would have no idea how to parent.

You’re welcome.

It’s especially important that I’m here this week, because today we’re spotlighting the most important information a pregnant woman will ever receive, ever. We’ve compiled all manner of information on the different kinds of doctors, midwives, and/or shamans you might employ to help you get that baby out into the world. You don’t want just anyone grabbing at your privates, after all, when you’re busy birthing.

Our second feature is all about your baby’s first month of out-of-the-womb living. What’s he thinking? Will he always look that misshapen? Will you ever sleep again? Is the diaper supposed to look that bunchy? You won’t know–until we tell you.

That’s it for now. I’m going to apply some chilled rum poultices to my sinuses, and pray for a speedy recovery. Tune in next week, when Eden returns–if she ever returns.

New Things To Panic About!

Posted by Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy on Jul 16, 2009 at 1:57 pm in Latest News, News

It’s been an exciting week at Let’s Panic HQ! We’ve added two new stories: one for pregnant people, and one for post-pregnant people, as has become our weekly tradition.

For those of you trapped in the soft, pillow-strewn existence known as “bed rest,” we have put together a helpful selection of coping strategies entitled, rather straighforwardly, Surviving Bed Rest. Our list of suggestions may also be useful for those undergoing any sort of bed-staying-in condition, from modified flu to Proustian angst and everything in between. Go have a look!

Our other new post is entitled Braving the Outside World. It’s directed at parents of newborns who are doing just that, breaking through the sterile barrier of the natal homestead to explore the fresh, germ-strewn pastures of the world — you know, that thing you see on TV. It’s not a bed of roses out there, you know, but you’ll be able to handle it once you’re armed with our thought-ammunition!

We’re in the midst of developing some new features that we’ll let loose on you soon, mostly of the contest and giveaway variety. It will be fun! And only a little bit humiliating. So stay tuned!