This Week in Panic!

We are happy to report that Let’s Panic About Babies! is an unqualified success, which means that now we have to keep writing stuff. Oh, no! We hadn’t quite counted on that. Well, who’s to say we can’t pad the site with odds and ends from Wikipedia and those eighth-grade biology reports we discovered in a box in the garage. Let’s panic about cellular respiration!

This week we’ve got a couple of new features up: non-pregnancy-related trivia for the mom-to-be whose selfish friends want to discuss something other than the miracle currently growing inside her. (You may feel an overwhelming urge to dump those non-breeding “friends” right away, but we implore you to hang onto them at least until you can smugly watch them panic about babies of their own, or until you can get back that brownie pan you left over there after the last coven gathering, whichever comes first.)

For you new parents: are you wondering what those noises coming out of your baby’s face are? After extensive research we have discovered that those are called “cries.” And did you know that some cries mean one thing, while others mean something else? It’s true! Once you read this piece, you’ll recognize the teeniest shift in your baby’s shrieks. Is her diaper bunched up on the right butt-cheek, or the left? Does Baby want to nurse, or to avenge the wrongs inflicted upon her in a past life? Now you will know. YOU WILL KNOW.

Speaking of trivia that has nothing to do with the miracle of parenthood, we’ve got some new celebrity trivia for you on our home page. Don’t ask where we get our information. We have Important Internet Connections, and that’s all we’ll say. (That Ana Marie Cox really blabs if you give her enough bourbon!)

Meanwhile, we want to hear from you, valued reader! Please send us your questions and concerns about parenthood — or you can tell us where we can go and what we can shove up ourselves! So far we’ve received some fascinating suggestions. But seriously, our Question and Answer sections need more than our wise answers — they need your confused and ignorant questions. Don’t be ashamed. Learn to accept that not everyone can be a trained professional in the art of mother-being.

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