Archive for August 2009

August 28, 2009, How About a Little Historical Context?

Posted by Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy on Aug 28, 2009 at 9:30 pm in Babies

After an unexpected hiatus last week — Alice was barricaded on a beach somewhere fending off the attacks of feral children, while I slaved away at a surprising variety of meaningless and soul-numbing tasks — we are back with more scientific and doctorly advice for the pre-pregnant, the post-pregnant, the pseudo-pregnant, and whoever else is left with a working ovary. We also aim to inform those who find all three classes of human, as well as their tiny offspring, amusing. (From a distance.)

First off the bat, we aim to educate you in the history of your predicament with a little post we like to call Pregnancy Through the Ages. Finally, the life-changing perspective you needed on the difference between Sumerian and Minoan birth goddesses!

Our other big release is a two-part guide to forcing — uh, we mean peacefully and responsibly teaching your child to sleep independently. Part one reveals our soon-to-be-patented step-by-step guide to getting your baby down for the night. Part two, which we’ll publish next week, is a simple one-step method for ruining your life. It’s your choice!

Stoically,
Drs. Bradley and Kennedy

August 14, 2009: Get To Know Your Vagina

Posted by Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy on Aug 14, 2009 at 2:25 pm in Uncategorized

We’ve had a very visual week here at Let’s Panic HQ. We know that not everyone likes to or is capable of reading the astoundingly free educational advice we churn out week after week, so we decided to use some pretty pictures to teach you poor, ignorant wretches about your own bodies. It’s because we care. Sort of. We’d care more if we got paid, frankly.

First off, for those of you who have no idea what’s about to explode from your Lady Parts, we’ve invented a customizable birth plan just for you. No, really, you’re welcome. Just fill in blanks with the appropriate part of speech — you do know what an adverb is, don’t you? — hand it to your state sanctioned birth expert, and then sit back, relax, and push that baby right out of your vagina without another thought. Everything’s taken care of! Because we’re also certified legal experts, too, did you know that? Giving away all this expert advice for free. We certainly are generous.

Secondly, we really think it’s time you faced what your Lady Parts actually look like/are going to look like once a poor, helpless baby is forced through there. It’s not pretty. Except, of course, when it is! We embrace the noble contradictions inherent in the bringing of life and we demand that you embrace them, too. So make yourself a nice cup of tea, get out your smelling salts, and TAKE A GOOD, HARD LOOK.

Until next week, freeloaders!

August 7, 2009: Hide Your Shame!

Well, it’s been yet another milestone-achieving week at Let’s Panic headquarters. Dr. Kennedy has finally achieved complete  spiritual transcendence, thanks to her daily 4 a.m. nude-yoga habit. Also, she got rid of that fungal thing! It was just from the carpet.  (A yoga mat, it turns out, isn’t a waste of money.)  (Not to mention antibacterial wipes.)

Dr. Bradley wanted to announce something as well, but apparently all this talk of “spiritual transcendence” has made her own good news look sort of paltry, so she’ll keep a lid on it until next week.  In response, Dr. Kennedy murmured something in Sanskrit and wafted toward the ceiling.

Dr. Bradley is wondering how much longer she’s going to keep this up.

At any rate, this week’s new features are, as ever, the most important pregnancy- and motherhood-related works ever in the history of anything. First off, we have What Are They Thinking?,an investigation into the hearts and minds of a pregnant woman’s circle of peers. When they hear the news of the burgeoning life within her, are they turned on? Disgusted? Both? Now you will know.

AND we’ve got Camouflaging Your Post-Partum Figure, which is pretty much what it sounds like. We know you want to celebrate the glorious workings of the body that brought life forth into the world, blar de blar, but you don’t have to do it in hot pants and a tube top because no one needs to see that. And if you’re already filled with the appropriate amount of shame regarding leaving your home in your current state, we’ll give you some tips and tricks that will help cover every unsightly inch of you. Let fashion weave its magical web of lies, with our help!