September 11, 2009: We Never Stop Working FOR YOU
Autumn is slowly and inexorably coming our way, as it inevitably does once summer’s over. School has started; the dead leaves are piling up in your gutter. (Yes, they are. We’ve been up there, checking. You should clean those out, or, you know, call a guy.) Can you feel that snap in the air? Are you experiencing that familiar tinge of ennui as the days grow shorter?
Be aware, ladies, that the onset of fall is often accompanied by an unfortunate side effect: the delusion that because you’ll soon be wearing sweater sets and flannel-lined jeans, you can let your figure go. That the Powers that Be want you to fatten up a bit for the cold months ahead, or why would they stock the Brach’s Candy Corn this early?
But consider that after fall comes winter, and after winter comes spring, and after THAT comes, well, we can’t remember right now but at some point you’ll be on the beach, wearing a bikini or maybe a modest one-piece or maybe your husband’s knee-length swim trunks and a wool cardigan, and you’ll wish you listened to us when we told you that you must NEVER LET UP.
With that in mind, here are some handy tips on how to exercise during every waking minute of your life. Now quit reading, and go work yourself until you’re ill and/or thin! Either way!
But wait! Are you still pregnant? In that case, stop exercising for a bit and continue to read. Did you know that there are foodstuffs you shouldn’t be consuming, that your doctor is telling you are okay, because your doctor is almost always drunk? Don’t quote us on that. But it’s absolutely true. Shhh. So if you want to find out what food will cause reindeer to plague your house, don’t look at Dr. McBourbon for that info. Only we know what’s what. And we’re almost always sober.
Thank God the exercise link is misdirected and points to the foods not to eat. This clearly means I don’t need to exercise! Someone pass me a cookie!
posted September 11th, 2009 at 9:31 pmDear Doctors Bradley and Kennedy,
Greetings! I am the father of a delightful 18-month-old toddler who can not be trusted to resist the lure of jumping off of things face first. Meanwhile, my wife is pregnant with our second baby, who has been described to me in a helpful email as “lentil bean sized.” I believe it is time to panic, yet I am lacking in adequate things to panic about. Could you lend a hand to us dads out there, so that our under-developed panic reflexes can catch up to those of our wives? Many thanks.
sincerely,
posted September 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pmScott