About Let’s Panic

Why Panic?

So! You’ve gone and gotten yourself knocked up. Thanks to five minutes of poor judgment, now there is a person living inside you. You don’t know who he is. (For all you know, “he” may even be a girl.) You won’t meet him until you’re aching for him to leave. He won’t be paying for his tenancy, or in fact helping out in any way. In return for your providing this tiny interloper with room and board, he will subject you to all manner of discomforts, from nausea to heartburn to hemorrhoids to relentless horniness and on to existential nausea.

Meanwhile, you’re supposed to be happy about this person. You’re expected to cheerfully tote him about as he drains nutrients from your system via a tube growing from his midsection. Strangers manhandle your delicate, misshapen belly or point, chuckling, as you waddle past. Everyone you encounter believes you need to respectfully listen to their opinions on what you should be eating, drinking, sleeping in, and not smoking. Meanwhile, the stranger rummaging about your insides continues to grow, kneading your organs until you fear you might burst. When will he stop growing? No one knows.

When your tenant’s lease is up, he will be moving out—get ready—through your vagina. This can’t be true, you think. And yet it is. Don’t like that option? Try this one on for size: a medical professional can slice open your abdomen, cutting through layers of muscle, fat, and viscera, place your uterus on your belly so everyone around can poke it, slice that open, yank out the baby, put your organs back in their approximate positions, and sew you up with fishing wire. That whole vaginal-egress idea is sounding like a walk in the park right now, no?

Then the day comes when, after hours of blinding agony, you’ve finally forced your baby out. You’re free! Except you’re not. What’s emerged from you is a helpless being whom you’ve tacitly agreed to house and feed and love with all your heart for the next eighteen years. Or more. Given all this, it’s no wonder that pregnancy can be such an overwhelming time in a woman’s life. Even science is little comfort, as no “expert” knows exactly what goes on inside a woman, not to mention the baby inside her. How does it get up in there? Why does it grow? What is it planning? Our most cutting-edge research has elicited only shrugs and sterile foreign-language documentaries.

At last, LET’S PANIC ABOUT BABIES! is here to provide pseudo-scientific information and hearty reassurance during this strange, swollen time in a woman’s life. No more must a woman search for answers in “blogs” or the mystical pronouncements of radio psychics. No more must she depend on books such as the popular Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy, which intimates that weight gain in pregnancy is “totally awesome, and a great excuse to eat another butterscotch sundae.”

While those other book authors (we’re talking to you, Dr. Sears—and you too, Mrs. Dr. Sears) think it’s nifty to expound on the virtues of breastfeeding for pages on end, but meanwhile, where’s the useful advice—like how to ritualistically build your own birthing hut? And don’t get us started on those supposed classics like What to Expect When You’re Expecting, which uses big words like “perinatal” and “diastasis”—words that require the use of a dictionary. And dictionaries are so heavy.

Fortunately for everyone in the whole wide world, Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy have created the only website that accurately explains the journey from morning sickness to third-degree tears to keeping that baby alive for a year–or more! LET’S PANIC ABOUT BABIES will serve as a salve to the mystery and degradation of this most female of challenges. Its authors may not have “science” on their side, but what they do have is far more valuable: a heady mélange of female intuition, sentence-forming know-how, and the achingly vivid memories of their own gestational journeys and unending motherhoods. So join Alice and Eden as they tell you exactly what to think and feel and do on every one of your 2,681 days* of pregnancy. They know everything!
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* ”Science” would tell you that human gestation is actually, on average, 266 days. This is one of many ways in which science is terribly wrong.

About the Authors

Alice Bradley unwittingly found herself pregnant through the miracle of parthenogenesis. Like a shark or an earthworm, she spontaneously self-impregnated and nine months later delivered an exact replica of herself, much to her husband’s delight. But before the joyous expulsion, a swollen midsection, lumpy calves, and alarming amounts of ass fat proved much more than fashion challenges: they brought Alice untold mental anguish, no matter how often her insane husband told her she looked beautiful, that gaining weight during pregnancy was “natural,” or that she had gained “ten pounds less than the doctors said she should.” Eventually Alice emerged from the other side of pregnancy and early motherhood with rock-hard abs and the pert behind of a thirteen-year-old—not to mention the hard-won wisdom from which LET’S PANIC ABOUT BABIES! readers will benefit.

Eden M. Kennedy, meanwhile, couldn’t have been more surprised to find herself pregnant at age 36. After an uncomfortable vacation in Mexico, during which her husband deduced that her behavior (complaining that everything “smelled weird,” refusing to leave their hotel room after dark, crying pitifully as she watched tiny, newly-hatched turtles crawl bravely toward the sea) indicated that something might up in the baby department, an official pregnancy test confirmed their suspicions. Nine months later she shook off the haze of booze and denial to find she’d given birth to an eight-pound, eleven-ounce . . . human being.

No, really

Alice Bradley is the author of the blog Finslippy. Hailed as “the greatest of the mommy blogs” by the National Review Online, Finslippy has also been featured in Redbook, The Oakland Tribune, The Newark Star-Ledger, and The New York Times. Alice is currently a panelist on Momversation and has contributed to Good Housekeeping, Parents, Wondertime, The Onion, and PBS.org. She has appeared as a pop-culture commentator in 2005 on the Bravo network’s “Greatest Things About the Holidays” as well as in a segment on “Alpha Moms” on Good Morning America, which aired in May 2007. She has an M.F.A in writing from the New School University, and her fiction has appeared in several literary journals. Alice lives with her family in Brooklyn, NY.

Eden M. Kennedy is the proud author of the blogs yogabeans!, where her son’s plastic action figures demonstrate the intricacies of ashtanga yoga, and Fussy, where she writes angry open letters to Justin Timberlake and chronicles her daily life. Fussy has been featured in The San Francisco Chronicle, The Newark Star-Ledger, and The New York Times, and was listed as one of the top ten most popular mommy blogs by The Wall Street Journal. Her work has appeared in several anthologies. Apart from all that, Eden has written for PBS’s Remotely Connected blog, Babble, and MamaPop, and she manages the popular social network National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo). A former bookseller and magazine editor, she lives with her family in Southern California.

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November 17, 2011: Let’s Panic and Clorox, part 2

This week we've got another Clorox-sponsored post for you, and it's so very clean! Funny but also clean! SO CLEAN YOU GUYS. Sorry, we've been breathing in some fumes. We won't say which kind. (Hint: the clean kind.) While we (literally) take a breather, why not sit back and... [read more]

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