Author Archive
July 9, 2010: THAT LONG WEEK BETWEEN INDEPENDENCE AND BASTILLE DAYS
It’s hot, and we’re in the mood to blame people for things. Fortunately we heard from a reader this week, who detailed for us all the ways in which her mom’s gestational habits screwed her up. Which got us thinking: how did our mothers ruin our lives? Probably in more ways than we could count. We probably would have gone to real-doctor school, if they had laid off the gin in that last trimester.
Of course it’s unproductive to blame our mothers for what they may or may not have smoked while we were helplessly floating in their poisoned amniotic fluids, but summer’s all about being unproductive, are we right? So next week we’ll take an in-depth look at how your mother’s pre-parental misbehavior has forever altered the course of your life. We would have done it this week, but we were too busy sweating. Anyway, we need to read some stuff, and also talk to your moms. Which is more difficult than you’d think. What’s up with the all-caps emails, ladies? And why are you faxing your replies?
Until then, read this young lady’s sad tale, and weep. Not too much, though–you don’t want to dehydrate yourself.
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JUNE 25, 2010: YOU BETTER WATCH THAT BABY OF YOURS REAL CAREFUL-LIKE
Friends, followers, reluctant allies. Guess what? Your baby’s personality is, at birth, set in stone. Whoops! Did you not know that? If your baby’s a sleep-depriving squawking food-monster, he will grow up to be an even bigger version. Don’t blame us–that’s Science talking.
Fortunately we have some tactics you can employ to thwart Science, or at least keep yourself busy as your child grows in girth and volume. So, you know, look here. And read. And then tell us what you think. Did we leave any horrifying habits out of there? We thought four should just about cover it–babies are awfully simple, as we know–but it’s vaguely possible we could possibly have missed something. Actually it’s impossible. But we’re willing to humor you.
Happy Solstice!
June 18, 2010, IN WHICH WE GET MYSTICAL ON YOUR ASS
Even two rigidly scientifical types like us enjoy exploring the outer limits of our sanity, which is why this week’s update is all about astrology. As fans of the Reagan administration well know, astrology is the art of deciphering the stars’ influence in our lives. Having a crappy day? It might not be hormones, or your untreated diabetes, it could be the fact that a comet is speeding through the outer edges of our galaxy, inflaming Uranus! So this week we put on our astrophysical expert hats and wrote up some very interesting information about what to expect when the zodiac gets mystical all over your baby. It’s kind of just for fun, but maybe there’s actually something to it! We don’t know for sure. Maybe you should have your blood sugar checked just in case.
Yours enigmatically,
Mrss. Bradley and Kennedy