Author Archive
November 1, 2009: Good news, and even more reason to panic!
As you may have already heard because you follow everything we do and say and think, we’ve secured a book deal with St. Martin’s Press. This means that by the fall of 2010, a mighty tome detailing every tiny thing you need to know to be pregnant and/or an adequate mother will be landing in a bookstore near you. Get ready. This book will contain information you didn’t even know could exist in this world. It will change your life.
In other, also probably important news, H1N1 is already here, and we’re concentrating on surviving the winter so that we may see this book to fruition. Fortunately we have our very own Biodome, which really does come in handy at times like these. We realize that some of you may not be so fortunate, which is why we’ve put together this handy guide to How to Avoid Getting EnFlued. Please note that although we’re putting this story in the “pregnancy” section of the site, much of our information is valid even for women whose wombs are devoid of tiny proto-children.
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September 11, 2009: We Never Stop Working FOR YOU
Autumn is slowly and inexorably coming our way, as it inevitably does once summer’s over. School has started; the dead leaves are piling up in your gutter. (Yes, they are. We’ve been up there, checking. You should clean those out, or, you know, call a guy.) Can you feel that snap in the air? Are you experiencing that familiar tinge of ennui as the days grow shorter?
Be aware, ladies, that the onset of fall is often accompanied by an unfortunate side effect: the delusion that because you’ll soon be wearing sweater sets and flannel-lined jeans, you can let your figure go. That the Powers that Be want you to fatten up a bit for the cold months ahead, or why would they stock the Brach’s Candy Corn this early?
But consider that after fall comes winter, and after winter comes spring, and after THAT comes, well, we can’t remember right now but at some point you’ll be on the beach, wearing a bikini or maybe a modest one-piece or maybe your husband’s knee-length swim trunks and a wool cardigan, and you’ll wish you listened to us when we told you that you must NEVER LET UP.
With that in mind, here are some handy tips on how to exercise during every waking minute of your life. Now quit reading, and go work yourself until you’re ill and/or thin! Either way!
But wait! Are you still pregnant? In that case, stop exercising for a bit and continue to read. Did you know that there are foodstuffs you shouldn’t be consuming, that your doctor is telling you are okay, because your doctor is almost always drunk? Don’t quote us on that. But it’s absolutely true. Shhh. So if you want to find out what food will cause reindeer to plague your house, don’t look at Dr. McBourbon for that info. Only we know what’s what. And we’re almost always sober.
SEPTEMBER 4, 2009: IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME
We’ve received several irate emails from women in their second trimester, demanding to know why we hadn’t yet covered the sixth month of pregnancy. Our answer is easy: we forgot. Who remembers the sixth month of pregnancy? It’s possibly the least memorable month of them all. Sorry, Sixth Month. You don’t interest us.
We do recognize, however reluctantly, that there are those of you currently in your sixth month who find it to be a magical, sacred time, worthy of attention just as much as any earlier or later months. So whatever. Here you go! Happy now? THE THINGS WE DO FOR YOU.
Because we appreciate that there is more than one side to any argument, we’ve also got the second part of our two-part special, “Should I Sleep Train My Child?” The answer in Part I was “Yes!” so we’ll leave it up to you to deduce what opinions will be forwarded in Part II. (Hint: probably not “Yes again!”)