'News' Archive
July 31, 2009: Let’s Panic About Being a Needy Writing Partner
Apparently my absence last week was deeply felt. Dr. Bradley seems to think that while I’m off at an important gathering of Internet Millionaires she can just sit around and complain about all the work she has to do without me holding her damp hand and making her special lumbago tea. Honestly, she knows I’ll make it up to her, which I did this week by constructing a fascinating new article about controlling your baby with the ancient science of Voodoo. Did I say controlling? Silly me! I meant bonding, BONDING with your baby safely and harmlessly. Using black magic.
When Alice finally stopped pouting about me going away FOR THE WEEKEND — it was just THREE DAYS, my god — when she finally stopped punishing me with the silent treatment, we were able to join forces merrily, as is our way, to churn out another brilliant advice column. Where does your uterus go when you’re not looking? Look no further, for we are the only ones who will tell you the bizarre, unholy truth. Because scaring the crap out of people is how we have our fun.
Be sure to visit Let’s Panic! every day. We only update it once or twice a week, but we need the hits to bolster our self-worth.
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New Things To Panic About!
It’s been an exciting week at Let’s Panic HQ! We’ve added two new stories: one for pregnant people, and one for post-pregnant people, as has become our weekly tradition.
For those of you trapped in the soft, pillow-strewn existence known as “bed rest,” we have put together a helpful selection of coping strategies entitled, rather straighforwardly, Surviving Bed Rest. Our list of suggestions may also be useful for those undergoing any sort of bed-staying-in condition, from modified flu to Proustian angst and everything in between. Go have a look!
Our other new post is entitled Braving the Outside World. It’s directed at parents of newborns who are doing just that, breaking through the sterile barrier of the natal homestead to explore the fresh, germ-strewn pastures of the world — you know, that thing you see on TV. It’s not a bed of roses out there, you know, but you’ll be able to handle it once you’re armed with our thought-ammunition!
We’re in the midst of developing some new features that we’ll let loose on you soon, mostly of the contest and giveaway variety. It will be fun! And only a little bit humiliating. So stay tuned!
This Week in Panic!
We are happy to report that Let’s Panic About Babies! is an unqualified success, which means that now we have to keep writing stuff. Oh, no! We hadn’t quite counted on that. Well, who’s to say we can’t pad the site with odds and ends from Wikipedia and those eighth-grade biology reports we discovered in a box in the garage. Let’s panic about cellular respiration!
This week we’ve got a couple of new features up: non-pregnancy-related trivia for the mom-to-be whose selfish friends want to discuss something other than the miracle currently growing inside her. (You may feel an overwhelming urge to dump those non-breeding “friends” right away, but we implore you to hang onto them at least until you can smugly watch them panic about babies of their own, or until you can get back that brownie pan you left over there after the last coven gathering, whichever comes first.)
For you new parents: are you wondering what those noises coming out of your baby’s face are? After extensive research we have discovered that those are called “cries.” And did you know that some cries mean one thing, while others mean something else? It’s true! Once you read this piece, you’ll recognize the teeniest shift in your baby’s shrieks. Is her diaper bunched up on the right butt-cheek, or the left? Does Baby want to nurse, or to avenge the wrongs inflicted upon her in a past life? Now you will know. YOU WILL KNOW.
Speaking of trivia that has nothing to do with the miracle of parenthood, we’ve got some new celebrity trivia for you on our home page. Don’t ask where we get our information. We have Important Internet Connections, and that’s all we’ll say. (That Ana Marie Cox really blabs if you give her enough bourbon!)
Meanwhile, we want to hear from you, valued reader! Please send us your questions and concerns about parenthood — or you can tell us where we can go and what we can shove up ourselves! So far we’ve received some fascinating suggestions. But seriously, our Question and Answer sections need more than our wise answers — they need your confused and ignorant questions. Don’t be ashamed. Learn to accept that not everyone can be a trained professional in the art of mother-being.