'Uncategorized' Archive
July 20, 2010: Continuing Our Summer of Blame
What does blaming your mom have to do with parenting? It’s all about HEALING, friends. And you can’t heal until you’ve identified the wound, which in this case is a psychic wound, and also your MOM did it.
Stop telling us you have such a great relationship with your mom. You’re in denial!
By not appropriately fretting over each and every tiny detail of your gestation, your mother has ruined your dreams of becoming a figure skater. Or she made it so you had terrible acne in eighth grade, when no one would invite you to the junior-high dance. Don’t ask us specifically how her actions led to these cataclysmic events. They just did! Shut up!
Read our scientific table for more overly specific examples of ways your mom could have messed with your future.
1 comment
JULY 4, 2010, IN WHICH WE GLIMPSE BIRTH IN UN-AMERICAN COUNTRIES
Did you know that women in countries that are not America also have babies? We’ve never actually seen it happen, but news reports confirm that babies and, indeed, people are congregating all over the planet and living strange, foreign lives we can barely imagine! So on this most patriotic of American holidays, we invite you to put down your barbecue tongs and your weak, domestic beer and take a moment to consider what it’s like for foreigners to give birth to non-American children!
June 4, 2010: IT’S LIKE WE’RE REALLY BACK, THIS TIME
We know. It’s not easy to have faith. To believe that we’re really here, and we’re not going anywhere. But baby, we love you. We’d never hurt you, unless it was for a really, really good reason. Like we were working on a super-special present just for you. And just as we were coming to your place to give it to you, we got run over by a bus. And we were in the Emergency Room, all tubed up, and we couldn’t tell anyone to call you.
Well, that book we were writing? That’s our special present. And that bus that hit us? That’s all the pages it turned out you need to write in order to call something a book. And those tubes? That’s where our analogy fell apart. We’re not perfect, baby. We never said we were.
All right, enough apologizing. Get comfy, read our new articles that we put up just for you, and quit haranguing us, already. We said we were sorry! Geez.
Pregnant ladies: is your husband trying to touch you, again? Here’s what you’ll have to do.
Or maybe you just had your baby, and feel like living it up. Can you? No.
In conclusion, you look pretty today.