Here’s something we’ve neglected to tell you: you can now PRE-ORDER a copy of Let’s Panic About Babies! We were reluctant to announce this news because we were confused about how “pre” ordering a book differed from just ordering-ordering a book, but this guy selling pretzels from a cart near the St. Martin’s offices explained it to us. Apparently, pre-ordering a book isn’t like you just say, “Yeah, I’m going to order that book,” and then you tap your fingers on your keyboard like you’re typing so we’ll get all excited.
No, pre-ordering means that you actually pay for the book up front and then you just wait by your mail box until it’s released in March. You can’t have it yet because the book isn’t even in proper book form yet, it’s still being designed! We know: it’s a terrible risk you’re taking. We dare to take your money, but what if something awful happens before the book is done? What if someone drops a hamster into the printing press? And we already have a disclaimer on the cover that says “No hamsters were harmed in the making of this book”! PETA will sue us and we’ll have to give back all your money, but we can’t! We spent it all on a fancy toaster from Williams Sonoma and now it has melted cheese all over it and they won’t take it back.
COMPELLING REASONS FOR YOU TO “PRE”-ORDER LET’S PANIC ABOUT BABIES!
#1: Amazing illustrations by Oslo Davis
#2: Words, paragraphs, and whole chapters that expose the truth about pregnancy and child-rearing, such as Chapter Eight, which is entitled “This Pregnancy Shit is Getting Old!” and tells you how to get out your aggressions out using hard-to-enjoy baby shower themes, including “World War II” and “Mathletes!”
#3: Probing quizzes that will help you discover just how much of a dick your partner is, and what kind of stereotypical shrew you’re slowly becoming. There’s even a quiz for your fetus! Yes, the journey of self-discovery can now begin in utero, thanks to us.
#4: Crucial advice you’ll get nowhere else, such as “Do not purchase a sling made of tobacco leaves or discarded human hair,” as well as odd facts about fading celebrities, and ways to get babies to compete against one another for your love.
#5: Real-life stories such as this one!
It happened to me: I didn’t test, and my son grew up to be a jerk
After I read Mahatma Beauregard’s book, The Robotic Pregnancy, I knew I didn’t want to have any corporate intervention into my baby’s gestation. I grew all my own organic pregnancy food, washed it in rainwater, and ate it raw. I heated my house with the wood from an ancient, self-sacrificing redwood we lovingly pushed over with our bare hands and chopped up with flint axes, and my version of prenatal testing was accomplished when a butterfly landed on my belly one morning and telepathically told me that my fetus was perfect. The completely natural birth of my child, Chuck, was attended by woodland creatures, who held vigil for hours, either in wonderment at the miracle of life or in expectation of the placenta. Chuck was never immunized, was totally home-schooled, and grew to be a strapping man of 6’3″ who now, at the age of 23, survives on Dr. Pepper and microwaved taquitos from 7-11. He lives in my finished basement, won’t pay rent, and sells asbestos to the elderly for a living. How do you test for that?
Ann Pritchard, 47, Overton, OR
Yeah, so that’s all for today, and we hope you enjoyed this update. Check back next week for another one!
