Some anxious couples look to esoteric sciences such as runes or psychoanalysis to determine whether or not they’re “meant to be” together. So it follows that these same couples, when one member of said unit gets pregnant, will try to divine their compatibility with their future baby using Baby Astrology™.

Want to know what you’re in for with your new baby or baby-to-be? Read on!

Aries: Aries is the raw, primal sign that represents doing and being and having. And then doing again! Aries cannot be stopped! Aries is ruled by Mars, which means that Aries people tend to start wars. Fortunately they’re so charismatic that your mind will become enslaved by theirs and you’ll agree that war is a great idea. Aries babies tend to cry quite a bit, as they’re too small to begin wars and this frustrates them. The Aries baby personality is also marked by an erratic sleep schedule and a demanding, food-obsessed personality.

Taurus: The astrological symbol for Taurus is the Bull, and you know what that means! It means that they will gore you if they get the chance. Don’t turn your back on a Taurus! It also means that the Taurus baby is stubborn and possessive, for some reason. We’ve never met a bull who was possessive, but then, we can’t understand their bull-talk. If you have a Taurus baby, you’re in for a year or so of little sleep and constant demands. Taurus babies also cry all the time.

Gemini: If you’ve got a flighty Gemini on your hands, watch out! The Gemini personality is defined by its flightiness and erratic nature. The symbol for Gemini is the Twins, which means if you have twin Geminis you have four children, and we are sorry for you. Geminis are brilliant but superficial, and the Gemini baby tends to cry all the time when she doesn’t get what she wants. She might also keep you awake all night, sleeping in only small increments. In addition, the Gemini baby might want to eat frequently!

Cancer: A Cancer individual is sensitive and moody, given to episodes of weeping. This is even more true for the Cancer baby, who often cries for hours at a time, and sleeps in disturbingly short spurts. Get your ear plugs ready for this delicate creature! Cancer babies also like to eat, sometimes in disturbingly short intervals.

Leo: Leo babies want to be the center of attention, and if they can’t get it, what do they do? You guessed it: they cry. They cry loudly! Leo is represented by the Lion, which should tell you something about this imperious little baby you’ve gotten your hands on. When Leo isn’t crying, he can be found 1) eating or 2) sleeping, although never for long enough stretches of time. You’ll have your hands full with this one!

Virgo: Virgos are adaptable and flexible, but that doesn’t mean they won’t cry all the time, which they will! Because of their mental agility, they often awake frequently throughout the night, sometimes demanding food or comfort. Virgos also like to be swaddled.

Libra: The sign for Libra is the scales, which means that they enjoy weighing things. When Libras aren’t comparing and contrasting the weights of whatever things they like to weigh, they’re crying! Like, a lot! Libras love to sleep, but never for long enough, and when they’re awake they just want to be fed and held.

Scorpio: The sexy, sexy Scorpio baby is passionate and strong-willed. What’s she passionate about? Eating. Also: being held. Scorpio likes being sung to, and rocked. And if you don’t do it, she’ll cry at you.

Sagittarius: Jupiter, Planet of Crying, rules Sagittarius. And you know what that means.

Capricorn: Ambitious Capricorn is a doer. Unfortunately, #1 on her to-do list is Not Sleeping Enough, which is followed by Crying Loudly and Eating All the Time.

Aquarius: Aquarius babies are iconoclasts. Which means they don’t care about your needs and will just scream and carry on and feed, feed, feed. MONSTERS.

Pisces: The Pisces baby is part fish, so if she smells a bit off, it’s not your problem. Fish live in water, and what is water made from? God’s tears. So you know what that baby of yours is going to do. Fish also like to eat and we don’t think they sleep at all. So get ready for some sleepless weeks—or years!