Alternatives to YELLING

Scolding MomWe all know that being yelled at can be just as traumatic for a small child as being denied fruits rich in vitamin A, or being raised without television. So what’s a responsible, loving parent to do?

It’s very important to never raise one’s voice above 50 decibels, or, in case you don’t have a decibel meter, the level of a half-heard murmur brushing past your ear as you cross a darkened threshold, or the sound of dozens of hooded acolytes whispering the lord’s prayer backwards in a room lit only by candles stuck into the skulls of goats. Yet how do you communicate to your child that you still love him but don’t approve of his behavior? With these simple suggestions! See if your kid doesn’t respond to these:

  • While staring somewhere above his head, calmly and quietly intone, “I’m afraid I don’t like what you’re doing,” while a half-smile forms on your lips. If you can follow this up with not blinking for a while, the message will be that much clearer.
  • Lie totally still, facedown, on the floor. Do not respond to any of your child’s questions or pleas. Remain this way for at least one hour.
  • Sing your displeasure! If you can tell him why you don’t like what she’s doing to the tune of “The Carol of the Bells,” your child is sure to listen–and enjoy! (Can you find a choir of pale-faced altar boys to provide backup? There you go!)
  • Tamp your anger down, down, farther down, as deeply as you can, until you are wild-eyed and tense as a jungle cat. But at least you’re not taking it out on your child! Oops: you have cancer now.
  • Instead of making noise at your child, express yourself through art. Try a collage made with your child’s photograph and large streaks of thick oil paint and maybe some animal teeth or feathers. So cathartic!
  • Communicate your feelings via your child’s teddy bear. You can’t punch your child, but you can punch Mr. Fuzzy. Just punch and punch and punch some more. Mr. Fuzzy an take it.
  • Move out. Make sure to leave him or her some beef jerky and spare lightbulbs. No need to be cruel.

Latest news

November 17, 2011: Let’s Panic and Clorox, part 2

This week we've got another Clorox-sponsored post for you, and it's so very clean! Funny but also clean! SO CLEAN YOU GUYS. Sorry, we've been breathing in some fumes. We won't say which kind. (Hint: the clean kind.) While we (literally) take a breather, why not sit back and... [read more]

Our Sponsors