10 Things Not to Say to Your Child

Confused Baby!The biggest advantage to your child being extra-small and not yet fully formed is that you can say whatever the hell you like, and your kid’s not going to know any better. Want to call your baby a lazy good-for-nothing freeloader? A pint-sized coprophiliac? Or something worse? Your adorable infant will just coo and burble, if you say it sweetly enough.

Sadly, your baby will eventually start understanding the noises coming out of your noise-making face part, and when that time comes, you’ll need to watch your words more carefully.

Often when people have children, they vow to avoid making the mistakes their own parents made in raising them. They imagine how much happier and well-adjusted they’d be now if only their mothers had made more/fewer batches of homemade cookies, or if their fathers had never gone to/come home from work.

The truth is, there is no simple formula for raising children, but there are ten things you should never, ever, under any circumstances say to a very young child; not only because these statements are far too open to misinterpretation, but also because older children may overhear and start a Twitter account for the sole purpose of quoting you.

1. “Time for you to put the lotion on mommy’s sores.”

2. “You’re the only one who will fit up the chimney.”

3. “I’m going to bend over, you look and tell me if I missed a spot.”

4. “Try it! It tastes like candy.”

5. “That’ll leave a nice scar.”

6. “Ask the lady for small, unmarked bills.”

7. “Put your hand in the hole and feel around for it.”

8. “Your grandpa used to wash his hair in the toilet.”

9. “You look just like your uncle, and for good reason. Don’t tell your father I said that. That thing about having sex with your uncle.”

10. “If you eat your mung beans, The Guru will let you see his super-secret mattress cave!”

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