Baby Products: Which Ones Do You Need?

If you’re a first-time parent, you have no idea what it’s going to take to keep your baby happy and/or healthy. How could you possibly know what a human infant needs? You’re practically still an infant yourself! We know, we were there the time you poured salad dressing right into the salad bag, but it turned out the salad wasn’t the pre-washed kind. Still, you just forked the whole sad mess into your mouth, wondering why it was all gritty. Plus, you got dressing everywhere, and you ruined your good work blouse. Given your track record, is it any wonder we’re astonished that you think you can handle a baby?

Moms 'n' strollersThe good news is, after you admit that you have no idea how to take care of a baby, you can just give yourself over to us and we’ll tell you what to buy. Because you have to buy stuff! You really should have already bought stuff. But what?

Just as in the rest of your life, the answers depend on what type of person you are.

Are you an Incredibly Anxious Mom?
It’s all going to be okay. You should get:
• Diapers. IT’S FINE THAT YOU FORGOT TO. They are easy to buy.
• Formula, if your nipples are too clenched to breast-feed.
• Bottles, for the formula. Did you try feeding Baby with a cup? Oop! Everyone makes mistakes.
• Onesies. And maybe a blanket or two. Stop crying. You’re fine.

Are you an Obscenely Wealthy Mom?
Well! Here’s what you require:
• A special private tropical island for your fancy baby
• A hot tub made of solid gold, just because you can
• A whole fleet of nannies to tend to your (and your Baby’s) every need
• A slightly-less-hot tub, made out of marble
• A kitchen made out of both marble and gold. And mink.
• A big spread in one of those decorating magazines so we can look at your rich-person life and despise you

Are you a Financially Challenged Mom?
All you need is:
• Two sheets: one that can be fashioned into a diaper bag, and the other to construct a makeshift sling
• Love
• The lullabies your ol’ sweet old Gran-Gran used to sing to while she swung you in her arms
• Fortitude

Are you a Mom on the Go?
You’ll need:
• Car keys!
• Or wait — you need a job! So you can buy a car!
• Okay, how about you start with a bus pass
• Uh, sneakers?
• Places to…go. (We’re not so clear on this one.)

Are you an Ironic, Slightly Uncomfortable With Being a Mom Mom?
These should help:
• Any toy that your asshole friends can program to spell out four-letter words
• Onesies imprinted with your favorite tattoos
• A book deal

Are you an A Little Too Obsessed With Your Ex-Boyfriend on Facebook Mom?
We don’t want to encourage you, but you’ll need:
• Really awesome camera, so you can take a ton of pictures for Facebook
• Adorable outfits for your new baby—that’ll show him! Something!
• Teeth whitening kit so you look extra hot in your Facebook pics (warning: teeth whitening kits are not meant for Baby)
• A bunch of lying status updates about how fulfilling new motherhood is

Items You Will Never, Ever Need

There are some items more experienced parents will try to convince you to purchase. Usually this is because they’re having fun at your expense, or they want you to spend all your money, or who can figure out their bizarre, cruel agendas. (They haven’t been getting a lot of sleep, you know.) Bottom line is, don’t get these:

MusikliebefürKinder ®
“Designed to inspire babies with a love of German opera.” This is actually just a set of fifteen CDs and a restraining device.

The Haunting of Hell House move tie-in toys, from Burger King ™!
Filled with screaming, unfathomable sounds, and cadmium.

Hey Kids! What’s That Noise?! ® Machine
Plays a never-ending loop of 7.9 earthquakes, 5-alarm fires, raccoons digging through metal garbage cans, and broken car alarms.

Baby’s First Hair Crimper! ®
Tacky. Everyone knows babies prefer hot rollers.

Do You Have a Tempewatchew?®
Rectal thermometer that declares your baby’s temperature in the voice of Elmer Fudd. Harder to understand than you’d think.

Vicks ™ Vaporizer

Playskool ™ Electric Knife-Sharpener and Scissor Cleaning Machine! ®
This one is actually pretty useful, if you do a lot of cooking.

Look at Your Pores! ™ Crib-sized magnifying mirror.
Useless, as babies have flawless complexions and mirrors will only make them vain, or lead them to believe they have a sadistic twin who mocks them at every turn.

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