How to Babyproof Your Crumbling Marriage, by Max Hurley, age 11

Max Hurley, marriage expertApparently having a baby makes grown-ups insane. Like, wha! and then, DURR all the time. I don’t get it. When my baby sister was born, I think my mom didn’t sleep for 93 days, and then my dad got all mad and put the crib in MY room. Whatever! I slept fine. Babies aren’t that hard. Here’s what you do so they don’t drive you crazy and make you divorce.

1. Put the baby in another room. Babies are okay without you around sticking your face in their face all the time. Put them in a crib and give them a toy and a bottle and then go read a magazine or something. You can watch TV and turn up the volume if you can’t hear because of the baby. Which reminds me…

2. Don’t freak out if the baby cries. Babies cry ALL THE TIME. It’s so annoying. So you have to not get all freaked out, because that baby just wants everyone’s attention, like WHAAA LOOK AT ME. Just pat your baby for a little while, or nod at it, to show you get why it’s making all that noise. Then put it back, to show you don’t really care. Don’t even bother talking to a baby, because babies don’t understand a thing. Stick a mirror in the baby’s crib so she’ll think there’s another baby there. Ha ha!

3. Be nice to your partner. If your husband comes home and he’s all, Why haven’t you washed your hair in three weeks? You can’t be all, JESUS CHRIST, GET OFF MY ASS, STEVEN, I’M JUST TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE DAY HERE WITHOUT ANY HELP. You have to be nicer to your husband, because maybe he’s had a bad day, too. Give him a beer and listen to his problems. Maybe if he’s not so mad then he can take the baby. Then you could order a pizza and play xBox 360 with your other kid who almost never cries.

4. Kiss. You know–your husband, or your wife, whichever. This one is weird and disgusting, but you have to do it. I mean, I kind of get it, but I don’t have anything else to say about it.

5. Get a job. You can stop fighting about money because you’ll have tons of it, which is super important. Your job will pay you enough so that you can put the baby in daycare and still bring, like, a thousand dollars home. The baby will have lots of other babies to play with, so it will be happier in daycare, anyway. Maybe you can buy a new car, too. Your old car sucks.

Latest news

November 17, 2011: Let’s Panic and Clorox, part 2

This week we've got another Clorox-sponsored post for you, and it's so very clean! Funny but also clean! SO CLEAN YOU GUYS. Sorry, we've been breathing in some fumes. We won't say which kind. (Hint: the clean kind.) While we (literally) take a breather, why not sit back and... [read more]

Our Sponsors