It IS All Your Mother’s Fault

blaming_momPanic is underrated, but so is blame. Some things really aren’t your fault! So why shouldn’t the responsible parties face the shame they deserve for ruining your life? Winning the blame game can be a beautiful, satisfying experience, and no one knows that better than the survivor of a slightly less-than-perfect childhood.

In the currency of parenthood, blame and panic are two sides of the same coin. If a parent hasn’t fully and successfully panicked about their child, the child will have no choice but to blame the hell out of her parents for every unforeseeable danger they failed to anticipate, control, and squelch. It’s a simple law of numismatics.

Still don’t get it? Look at your own mom, frolicking blithely through life, happy-go-lucky and carefree, never caring if your jeans were ironed and making you eat those disgusting Flintstones vitamins. AND NOW LOOK AT YOU.

You have a terrible haircut. It’s all your mother’s fault.

Your mother’s lack of concern about you started during her pregnancy, and it will come back to haunt her eventually because YOU are going to be the one to blame her for not taking your fetal feelings into account at every turn. Doubt us? Here comes a scientific table to prove our point. It has columns AND rows. You can’t argue with that.

Your mom ruined you!

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