Why You Should Worry About Your Baby’s Behavior

baby_face_croppedWorried about your baby’s behavior? You should be. Some studies, which were conducted by scientists, show conclusively that any behaviors exhibited by any baby will show up again and again, in different forms, throughout their entire lives.

(Some other studies that showed that those babies from the first studies eventually turned their parents insane. Those studies, however, were done in Denmark. Denmark is full of insanity, and Danish doctors infer insanity on everyone. That’s socialism for you.)

So! Should you worry? Yes. No, should you worry about your baby? Yes! Or wait, should you worry about you? Yes more! Baby’s fascination with ice cube trays may seem adorable now, but it will not be as adorable when he’s a paunchy, malodorous 53 and using the chest freezer in the garage for “private storage.” If you, like your child, are a real creep, then don’t read another word—you’re good to go! However, if you’re not a creep, you’ll need to start working as hard as you can at molding and polishing your baby’s personality until you find h/er/im tolerable. Your baby will thank you for it, eventually, when s/he can talk.

What your baby is doing: Cooing.
Why: Because there’s this, this thing flopping around inside his mouth and he can’t shake it out! And you appear to think that’s cute.
What this means for his future: Meaningless syllables will tumble from his mouth whenever he wants to gain your approval.
What you need to do: Respond to cooing with brisk head shake, sardonic eye roll.
Otherwise: Baby will become something awful, like a stand-up comedian.

What your baby is doing: Drooling.
Why: His mouth is full of drool.
What this means for his future: Baby will need to grow a full, thick beard to absorb all that extra moisture.
What you need to do: Toss a book of lower-lip exercises into his crib. We recommend “Firm That Lip!” by Jillian Michaels. Just don’t let him buy her nutritional supplements.
Otherwise: Once grown, he’ll only attract girls who are severely dehydrated.

The wine tastes good, but the beard tastes better!
The wine tastes good, but the beard tastes better!

What your baby is doing: Waking up in the middle of the night.
Why: Because she can!
What this means for his future: Your baby will grow infatuated with the rhythm and mystique of the night, and will eventually leave home to search out and join a nest of Vampyres. And then she’ll become a bloodthirsty Immortal.
What you need to do: Knock her out. Benadryl and a dictionary to the back of the head ought to do it.
Otherwise: Your baby will float to your window in the middle of the night and “Don’t Fear the Reaper” will be playing and then everything will get hazy and you’ll need special iron pills.

What your baby is doing: Playing with his toes.
Why: They’re attached to him, and that’s interesting.
What this means for his future: Shrimping.
What you need to do: Wrap his feet in Ace bandages (warning: this might give him a mummy fetish).
Otherwise: Your grown baby, living with you, will get the most disturbing catalogs.

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