It Really Happened! It’s All My Mother’s Fault

Pregnant_woman_eatingWhen I got pregnant I knew that certain choices I made would have a big effect on my baby. So I did what most women do — I quit drinking, I got rid of my cats, I stopped tasering myself awake in the morning. I’d had a lot of trouble getting pregnant in the first place, so I knew I had to stop watching my Hee Haw DVDs or I’d end up with some sort of hillbilly donkey baby and my husband and I would have to start all over again with the IVF. But when I asked my mom if she had to break any bad habits when she was pregnant with me, boy was I surprised!

It turns out that my mom lived in really ignorant times, when doctors prescribed tobacco colonics for pregnant women, and told them to garden, or blow up the Junior League headquarters, just to get them to focus on something other than their grotesquely swollen midsections. My mother followed every one of her doctor’s crazy recommendations, and guess what? As a direct result, I ended up with a green thumb, a husband who works on the bomb squad, and a life-long fascination with those Cuban women who roll cigars against their thighs. I’m afraid to ask my mom what she did while she was pregnant with my twin sisters, Starsky and Hutch. I don’t think I want to know.

–Return of the Jedi Huffenderfer, 27, Tampa, FL

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