No matter how intuitive you are as a parent or how many copies of that Baby Whisperer book people keep giving you, you may find your infant to be little more than an inscrutable lump. There are several gestures, however, that baby behaviorologists consider to be universal. These are subtle movements, transcending language and culture, that babies use to communicate their needs. Force your sleep-deprived eyes open — your baby is trying to tell you something!

What baby wants: That new Hannah Montana DVD.
Baby indicates this need by: Stuffing her fist in her mouth, gagging.
What baby really needs: A little bit of cool chamomile tea to calm her stomach.
What to do next: Feed it to her using an eyedropper; ignore her cries of rage.
What you have learned from this: You’re going to have to make princess costumes for at least five Halloweens in a row.

What baby wants: That stuffed tiger over there.
Baby indicates this need by: Rubbing his eyes until he cries with pain.
What baby really needs: That stuffed tiger over there.
What to do next: Go get it.
What you have learned from this: Your baby’s animal totem just revealed itself. Expect some furniture damage as his baby teeth come in.

What baby wants: A different mommy.
Baby indicates this need by: Grunting, letting out a staggering bowel movement.
What baby really needs: A clean diaper, a Tibetan wind chime, and your focused companionship.
What to do next: Sing “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” over and over until Carly Simon comes to your house and begs you to stop.
What you have learned from this: Carly’s dying her hair!

What baby wants: A cigarette and the latest TV Guide.
Baby indicates this need by: Looking around for her keys.
What baby really needs: To learn to soothe herself by sucking her thumb or cuddling with a favorite blanket or toy.
What to do next: Place several organic, hemp-filled, homemade toys within reach.
What you have learned from this: Your baby is actually your reincarnated great aunt who managed a 7-11 and died of emphysema.