So you know you have a baby, but do you know what it is, exactly? Some people believe that babies are smaller versions of us. Sadly, science has been unable to  determine whether this is true, so we just assume they’re right and hope for the  best. Let’s examine this new baby’s features and figure out if he’s an alien species like we secretly believe he is.

Hands: those hands never stop moving! Baby’s tiny Vienna sausages are constantly reaching (for wires), exploring (the boundaries of your sanity), grabbing (your checkbook), and twisting (your nipples). Experts say you should keep Baby’s hands free to explore and destroy your life, because exploring is healthy or whatever. We suggest taping his hands together until he’s at least three. Imagine the joy he’ll feel upon discovering that his hands are not the useless mitts he once believed!

Eyes: are the windows to the soul. It’s a good idea to look deep, deep into your baby’s eyes, for as long as you can stand, and then shriek, “WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?” The answer may surprise you.

Mouth: during those rare moments of not-crying, an adorable cooing sound may come out of it. At around six weeks, you may witness a smile. Six weeks is how long it takes the baby to figure out that you are not charmed by her high-pitched complaints.

Gills: should not be present. Check carefully.

Head: has an intriguing smell. When no one’s looking, babies rub a special balm into their bald little heads: a patented blend of civet musk, tapioca powder, and holy water. No one knows how they get it, but it is essential to the survival of babies everywhere. This is how they trap you into taking care of them for the next twenty years.