Surprisingly, not all babies are exactly alike. To be specific, there are four kinds. If you don’t recognize your own child in these descriptions, watch out. Is your baby ticking?

Someone else’s baby
• Suspiciously placid and rosy-cheeked
• Enjoys: hand-gazing, beatific smiling
• Falls asleep upon request
• Genetically modified vocal cords do not allow for crying
• Poops smell like lavender
• Not yours
• If she could talk, she’d say: “I’m trapped in an adorable baby-prison. Help. Me.”

Pissy baby
• First smile is more like a first sneer
• Lord help you if you try to swaddle him
• Growing his fingernails so he can cut you
• Enjoys: projectile vomiting on your new shirt
• If he could talk, he’d say: “Put that new shirt on. It looks so nice on you.” Then he’d chuckle malevolently.

Creepy baby
• When you walk into his room, for a split second you’re sure he was standing. You must have imagined that!
• Sports a thin, wispy mustache
• Doesn’t blink
• Cries sound like some kind of Latin verse, only backwards. Curious!
• Enjoys: Plotting
• If he could talk, he’d say: “Hello, mother. I have been waiting for you.” Isn’t that nice?

Misunderstood baby
• We don’t want to call her “ugly,” but, well.
• Deafening cries meant to express joy in being alive
• Screeches because she can’t sing yet
• Enjoys: a little refreshing lung exercise
• If she could talk, she’d say: “I love this place! Hey! I love you! What! This is great! Here’s how much I love everything! Get it? I can’t wait to talk! Until then, listen to some crying! Fun! Where are you going?”