Most pediatricians fall into one of two categories: the attachment-parenting advocate, and the attachment-loathing automaton. Whichever one you choose depends on how much you love your baby. Not that we’re judging.

We have dubbed these types:

Dr. Huggs

M.D., Naropa University

Characteristics:

• Gently bearded
• Kind and folksy, unless you admit to not co-sleeping
• Advocates nursing until college
• Thinks sunshine works better than antibiotics
• Writes prescription for “Mom ‘n’ Dad cuddles”
• Talks to your child in rhymed couplets
• The idea of vaccination makes him cry

Dr. Needles

M.D/PhD., University of Klaekenfurt, Austria

Characteristics:

• Orders daily Lysol rubdown for baby
• Thinks food allergies are a ploy for attention
• Gives your child “supplemental” vaccines she found in her great-grandfather’s valise
• Advocates time-outs for newborns
• Believes that thumb-sucking leads to sodomite behavior