At long last, your baby is finally here! Unfortunately, he looks like this:

Not to worry: once the trauma of birth fades and the swelling goes down, he’ll be his own, definitively un-Borgnine-ish self.

What’s that baby up to?

During the first month, your baby should be doing the following. Not necessarily all at once.

• Sleeping
• Peeing
• Spewing a viscous poop-sludge from his hindquarters

Baby  may also be:

• Smiling ironically
• Wishing someone would make him a sandwich
• Giving you the finger guns

If you’re lucky, baby is:

• Secretly composing her first symphony