Camouflaging Your Postpartum Figure

feather_mask_downloadThere comes a day after having your baby when, despite the fact that you’ve grown used to living in your grubby bedroom with six-to-ten pounds of infant attached to your nipple day and night, and really, what’s the point in wearing anything but this slowly stiffening baby sling? — there will come a day when you run out of microwave popcorn and you’ll have to dress yourself and venture out into society. And on that day, almost inevitably, a well-meaning stranger will stop to pat your bulging midsection and ask, “When are you due, dear?” Even if your chickpea-sized infant is RIGHT THERE, exploring your mossy teeth with its little fingers. “When are you due, and is that an adorable baby-tumor growing out of your face?” they’ll ask. This is because people always want to think the best of you.

Of course, we realize that some of you didn’t follow our strict pregnancy weight-loss regimen. Maybe you used your baby as an excuse to indulge in full-fat yogurt, or ingest more than your daily allotment of celery stalks. Whatever your loathsome weakness, you now have a baby who’s a few weeks — or months — old and you’re still contending with — how shall we put this? — a midriff situation. A torso crisis. An abdominal dilemma.

Or in some cases, maybe it’s your ass? Hard to say, unless you send us pictures. (P.S. Send us pictures.)

At any rate, the damage is done and until you can revert your figure back to its acceptable girlishness through calorie deprivation and/or incessant exertion, you’ll have to use fashion-related trickery to disguise your horrible, horrible postpartum body. Luckily, we know a few tricks! (Although we never had occasion to use them personally, of course. We didn’t lose our self-control during pregnancy LIKE SOME PEOPLE.)

Moving on!

Accentuate the positive!

  • Show off that awe-inspiring post-partum rack. A bull’s-eye print works well on sweaters, and in warmer months, pasties are sure to draw the attention just where you want them. How about some tassels? Get creative!
  • Your forearms are probably still delicate and lovely, no? Wear elbow-length sleeves, oil up your exposed arm-parts, slap on a little glitter, and wave them around gracefully. Strangers will be so impressed, they won’t notice, you know, the rest of you!
  • Are you an all-over mess? Aw. We bet you still have nice eyes! Play them up with false eyelashes and liquid eyeliner, slip on a burka, and you’re good to go!
  • Hide the negative!

    There are countless ways you can confuse, dazzle, or blind anyone who comes near you. Here are only a few.

  • Mirrors
  • Sandwich boards
  • Multiple flotation rings
  • Layers upon layers of tulle
  • Christmas tree lights wrapped around torso
  • Black duct tape
  • Feathers!
  • Beaded curtain hanging from neck
  • Giant fanny pack filled with puppies
  • An enormous bustle to even out proportions
  • Mascot costume
  • You’re an astronaut!
  • Astronaut giving a thumbs up

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