You tried subsisting on a starvation diet of caramel corn and Fresca. You did ankle rolls and finger crunches until your head lolled in boredom. You even went so far as to think about looking up Weight Watchers online. And yet you still have between fifteen and forty-five pounds of third-trimester peanut-butter-and-pancake-syrup sandwiches flopping over your waistband.
Well, sister, we feel for you. (Although we don’t actually want to feel you.) It’s for your sake that we want to ask you one simple question: IS THAT HOW YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE YOUR BABY WEIGHT?
No. It’s not until you realize that you can and must incorporate exercise into every minute of your day that the pounds will begin to melt off! It’s only by flexing your mind muscles that you will begin to build the body of your dreams! EEEYYAAAAGGHH!
At the Grocery Store
Good: Put a few giant bags of dog food and cases of bottled water in your cart before you begin to shop. Pushing an extra eighty-five pounds up and down the aisles will build arm and leg strength, improve stamina, and other shoppers will be impressed by your survivalist instincts. Calories burned: 90
Better: Let a small child write your grocery list. An illegible list of things you don’t really need, organized so that items are located willy-nilly all over the store, will add an extra 20 minutes of walking to your day. Sure, there will be some grumbling stomachs at home, but you’ll be burning extra calories out of sheer frustration. Calories burned: 155
Best: Load up your cart with water and dog food, strap the child and the dog to your back, and buy a year’s worth of groceries in preparation for the End Times. Calories burned: 940
At Work
Good: Cupcakes around the water cooler a cause for concern? Not when you can sing “Happy Birthday” with extra vigor and clap a little too long when the boss blows out his candle. Calories burned: 39
Better: Fire your assistant. All that time she used to spend toting reams of paper and trotting out for coffee can now be yours! Calories burned: 190
Best: Get a job as a field worker. Those spinach leaves won’t pick themselves, you know! Plus, you’ll rebuild your pelvic floor while Kegeling to hold in your pee until that lunchtime port-a-potty break. Calories burned: 1,750
At Home
Good: Where’s the remote? Who cares! You paid to have 500 channels, it’s your turn to jump up and change the station again! And again and again and again. Calories burned: 165
Better: Washing machine on the fritz, honey? No matter! Hand-washing your clothes, towels, and sheets in the bathtub pioneer-style will strengthen arms and core muscles, give you new respect for the hardships your foremothers endured, and ensure that all your linens end up the same ultra-chic shade of gray. Calories burned: 770
Best: Burn down your house! Rebuilding with scavenged materials and donated tools will foster new skills and leave you with the sexy washboard abs of an itinerant alcoholic roofer. Calories burned: 1,337,450
