The Beauty Secrets of Famous Moms

heidi_klum_redThink having a baby is an excuse to let yourself go? Think again. These “momlebrities” still manage to look their best and feel even better! Yes! Better than their best! Take a shower!

What can we learn from today’s celebrimoms? Less than we should, given our limited capacity for growth and stunted financial resources. But we shall try. We shall endeavor to not disappoint these more-than-humans as they show us the best we can be. Comb your hair!

Heidi Klum accessorizes with punchy colors, like a tomato-red diaper bag, or a weather balloon wrapped around her midsection like an enormous obi sash. This distracts from any sagging or bulging parts, which she doesn’t have anyway.

You should place some bright colors near your face to naturally brighten and lure. May we suggest cutting construction paper into petal shapes and stapling them to a headband? We just did! And now you’re a pretty flower!

jessica_albaNow look at Jessica Alba. Look at her! Don’t turn away. She’s so effortlessly chic as she wanders about with this small child who may or may not be hers. (Small children tend to fall toward Ms. Alba, who due to her naturally high density has her own gravitational pull.) She looks like she’s not even trying, although of course she is. She’s trying as hard as she can. We should therefore drink her in. Isn’t she a vision?

You could hire a personal stylist just like Jessica Alba does. Can’t afford a stylist? Well, give your look your best shot, and then when you head out, gauge its effectiveness by the reactions of people around you. If they’re asking you if you require professional assistance or telling you that you’re not allowed inside, you probably need to try again!

D1161-050-0038-deMeanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrow keeps herself glowing and youthful by working out every day with her trainer and noshing on organic berries between meals. She drinks only water originating from the Amazonian rainforest, which is then distilled through pulverized hummingbird bones. Also she drinks the blood of anyone she can bring down. Her extra-long calves and relatively high percentage of fast-twitch muscle fiber make it hard to outrun Gwyneth!

You could wipe that Cheeto dust off your shirt. Or just wear an orange shirt! (Insider tip: orange looks terrible on you.)

victoria beckham shopping 090208Whenever Victoria Beckham is feeling less-than-refreshed, she sports a glamorous pair of oversized Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses. So chic. Plus you’d never know she’s crying under there. Which she is! All the time!

You could tape duct tape over your eyes so no one has to look at… that. Then you can get yourself a guide dog. No one will notice your unmatched accessories when you’re accompanied by a sad-eyed pup in a safety harness!

halle_berry_facePerhaps you’ve heard of super-mom Halle Berry? She keeps from looking dowdy and mother-ish by sporting excellent bone structure and glowing skin, thanks to superb genetics!

You could put on a little blush.

What tips do you have for looking your best, even when you haven’t slept for days and you can’t find your toothbrush? Let us know!

(Please note: only let us know if you’re a celebrity.)

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