Back off, Jack: Appropriate Substitutes for Intercourse

bike couple Usually when a woman is breastfeeding, her progesterone levels are lower than normal, resulting in the cessation of ovulation and a decreased sex drive. Though evolution has deemed the months postpartum as a sacred time of rest and renewal, now that nutritious infant formulas are widely available we can rightly assume that when a woman weans her child quickly or skips breastfeeding altogether she is doing so to preserve her funbags for some hubba-hubba.

And yet, despite the case of formula in your closet/that expensive wet nurse you hired, baby is kicking your ass. You haven’t showered in days, there’s a hundred pounds of laundry blocking the bathroom door, and you would kill for a tuna sandwich but your bastard husband just took the last slice of bread to the park to sit on a bench, feed the pigeons, and envision a painless way out of his grueling, sexless existence.

Studies have shown that couples with a lifelong commitment to bitterness and revenge have been known to abstain from not just sex but also hugging, eye contact, and writing down messages with accurate phone numbers until well after their children have gone off and recklessly made children of their own.

But you don’t want to be like that! You want your partner to show you naïve good will and thoughtful companionship until the new life insurance policy kicks in so that then you can either resume normal sexual relations or cut and run with a fairly clean conscience. So here are a few spicy activities for you to do together that can make your other half feel as though you might someday be interested in sex again.

    1. Erotic Mad Libs
    2. Erotic weightlifting
    3. Erotic laser eye surgery
    4. An online course in civil engineering, for two
    5. Side-by-side nickel slots
    6. Vicious arguments, culminating in steamy hot binge eating in front of an open refrigerator
    7. Long, genital-numbing tandem bicycle rides
    8. Gomer Pyle re-runs in bed
    9. Walking into a bar and pretending you don’t know each other, then going home with total strangers

These are just some of the many alternatives to intimacy out there, so get creative! Then send your sex-substitute ideas to us, so we can read them to our husbands in bed until they fall asleep.

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