Welcome to the “pregnancy” portion of LET’S PANIC ABOUT BABIES! You are not allowed to go any further into this web site unless you can prove for a fact that you’re pregnant. Do you look as happy and well adjusted as that woman in the photo? Well, do you?

We thought so. GET OUT.

Okay, the rest of you can stay, but only if you took our test to find out if you’re lying about being pregnant.

Once you’ve justified your status as a pregnant person or a pregnant person’s spouse/partner/hook-up/lawyer, feel free to browse through our pregnancy articles using the table of contents in the left column.

We also expect you to thoroughly familiarize yourself with the following:

Impolite Euphemisms for Pregnancy

• Knocked up
• In trouble
• Waiting for the stork (for great-grandmothers only)
• In a delicate condition (characters in 19th-century novels only)
• The rabbit died (used by doctors who smoke Pall Malls)
• Human affordable housing
• Drinking for two
• Bun in the oven (or “Bundt” if it’s a girl)
• Human turducken (if the fetus has a parasitic twin)