Only one thing will be on the minds of every friend, family member, and medical professional with whom you share your news: You let a man put his penis in your vagina. Even if you’re a lesbian and used donor sperm, once you’re big enough to show, every barista who hands you a latte is going to think about how, at least once, you were impregnated during hot heterosexual intercourse that may or may not have brought you to orgasm, and what did your face look like while that happened?

The only way to both break the news and fight this type of ignorant speculation is with t-shirts. A pregnancy announcement stretched across your swollen midsection can do double duty: worn to a family gathering it will quickly alert your parents, siblings, in-laws, and spouse to your condition; and it will also instruct literate strangers to stand up and give you their seat at the bar. Here are a few telling phrases that we recommend:

• I allowed a man to put his penis in my vagina.
• That’s right. His penis, plus my vagina, equals a baby, which is currently inside me, doing its thing.
• I endured a bout of furtive, joyless lovemaking, discovered that I was with child, and then I went and made myself this t-shirt. Are you still reading?
• The intercourse was spirited and vigorous; my expression, torment intermingled with ecstasy.
• It was just a turkey baster. Don’t look at me like that.