First Month: Helpful Tips

Now that you’re really, truly, ever-so-slightly pregnant, it’s time to straighten up and fly right. Throw out your junk food, buy your prenatal vitamins, pack away those cigarettes, padlock the liquor cabinet,  and crawl out of the K-hole you’ve been lost in for the past three years.

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Here’s what else you should avoid:

Lead-based paint.

If you own a home or enter a building built before 1978, you’re exposing your precious baby to the lead-filled paint slathered on the walls and ceilings around you. If you think there’s even the slightest chance of any lead being anywhere near you, it’s your responsibility to get rid of it. Purchase a power sander and get to work! Just release all that lead into the air and let it drift back down and settle into the earth where it belongs. There’s no need to interrupt this beautiful, natural process.

Recreational X-rays.

There’s no doubt that seeing what your insides are up to is good fun, but in the end, your poor fetus is going to resent being walloped with massive doses of radiation. And while scientists haven’t officially proven the existence of radiation-created mutants, they actually have proven it in their secret underground mutant-studying labs. So as much as you think you need to check on your tibia right now, you might want to exert a little something called “self-control.”

Endless night-trolling for anonymous sex down by the docks.

Let’s face it. There’s nothing like the illicit thrill of being taken from behind by a mustachioed stranger, but the time for that silliness has passed. You’re not getting any younger, and besides, all that cruising is what got you into this mess in the first place. Besides, have you noticed that you only get action if you call yourself Steve and wear that Jeff Bridges mask you bought for Halloween? It’s time to bid adieu to that brand of dangerous fun. It’s gone for the next nine months—along with your waistline! In fact, while you’re at it, also avoid:

Any sex at all.

Remember: your baby is watching you! And that’s just not right.

Things that will nauseate you...

...during your first trimester:

Corn chips

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