Second Month Tips: Cats and Why You Should Run From Them

Cute CatBy now your embryo is well on its way toward becoming a fetus, so now’s not the time to slack off on your diet and exercise. Continue that daily regimen of aerobics, weight training, yoga, and tai chi! Also‚Ķ

Get rid of your cats. Cats are a known spreader of trichinosis, due to their love of raw pork. Trichinosis is a fatal disease that will turn you fat and hairless before it kills you. You don’t want that! People who are foolish enough to harbor cats do so at their own peril; now that you’ve got a baby on board, however, you’re petting for two. If you want to risk inhaling a lungful of disease-soaked fur and endangering your baby, that’s your business. Mine is to educate.

Cats are dangerous in numerous ways: they have sharp claws and teeth; they can navigate in the dark using a complex navigation system embedded in their heads called “whiskers,” thus giving them an advantage during blackouts; and the only flesh they enjoy more than pig is newborn babies. So you make your choice. Will it be Mr. Jangles, or your precious, precious baby?

Don’t make eye contact with cats. Cats will suck the burgeoning life right out of you, using their infamous feline mind-powers. Avert your eyes, and move along.

Take your prenatal vitamins! Ideally you’ve been taking these for six months before you even thought about getting pregnant, but if it’s too late for that, no need to fret. Not every child has to be Ivy League material.

Get out of bed. You’d think you were the first person who ever got pregnant. Take a shower, put on some clean pants, you’ll feel better.

Think: did anyone you talk to today look even a little bit like a cat? Cats are known for their ability to shapeshift. Be on your guard!

Things that will nauseate you...

...during your first trimester:

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