You want to find an obstetrical professional with whom you can share your birth philosophy, but this may take years and years of interviewing people wearing scrubs decorated with dachshunds to find the one who will shun your innermost beliefs and make every effort to utterly disempower you throughout pregnancy and birth.

But wait! Do you have a birth philosophy? Well, you’d better decide this instant: do you want to be in a hospital surrounded by lots of bleeping machines and strangers wearing surgical masks, or would you rather give birth at home in a warm tub while fifteen of your closest friends chant for you to open your lotus blossom, and then wind up in a hospital surrounded by bleeping machines and strangers wearing surgical masks?

Here’s a table to help you make an informed decision about who’s going to catch the bundle of joy that shoots out of your lady parts.

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