Are you going to go for a hospital birth, or will you do it au natural? Even though, technically speaking, you have eight more months to figure out how you want to have this baby, in fact you have to decide RIGHT AWAY. As soon as you begin to show, your friends, family, and complete strangers will demand to know what you’re going to do, so that they’ll know how to judge you.
1. Your favorite food is:
A. Steak
B. Kamut puffs
C. Jellybeans
D. All of the above
2. Your political affiliation is:
A. Libertarian, pro-choice, prescription-drug addict
B. Radical Christian gun-control nut
C. Apolitical fashionista
D. What does this have to do with anything?
3. How do you feel about your armpits?
A. I shave them twice daily and use a prescribed antiperspirant/deodorant. And duct tape.
B. I don’t shave them, but I do rub one of those crystal things in my glorious pit-fur.
C. I have each hair individually zapped by a laser, and then I’m exfoliated and sluiced with lavender water.
D. Again, I really don’t see the point of this question.
4. What kind of footwear do you prefer?
A. Lace-up oxfords
B. Flip-flops
C. Patent leather kitten-heel slingbacks
D. Oh, for god’s sake. Moccasins. I go everywhere dressed like Pocahontas.
5. What are you going to name your baby if it’s a girl?
A. Something traditional yet modern, like Constance or Olivia.
B. Something traditional yet modern, like Willow or Jade.
C. Something traditional yet modern, like Nefertiti or Supernova.
D. If I tell you, everyone will use it and I’ll be really, really mad.
6. What are you going to name your baby if it’s a boy?
A. I’ll name him after his grandfather, Elliot.
B. I’ll name him after my favorite band, Sleater Kinney.
C. I’ll name him after my favorite subway stop, Delancey.
D. Seriously, I’m not telling you.
7. How do you feel about strangers poking your cervix?
A. It’s okay as long as they’re wearing surgical scrubs.
B. It’s okay as long as they make me a pot of chamomile tea first.
C. It’s okay as long as they accept my health insurance.
D. NOW you’re going to start with the obstetrical questions?
8. What’s your favorite color?
A. Orange: it’s so cheerful and vibrant.
B. Purple: it’s so rich and mystical.
C. Carafe: it’s the color of an organic, fair-trade, medium-roast latte.
D. Delicious: it’s the color of a margarita!
Calculating Your Score
Give yourself one point for every A answer you chose, two points for every B, three points for every C, and four points for every D.
0 to 8 points . . . . . . SAFETY FIRST! You should go straight to the hospital right now.
9 to 16 points . . . . . .LOVE CHILD! You want to give birth in a tide pool, assisted by dolphins.
17 to 24 points . . . . TRENDSETTER! You’re going to do whatever Oprah tells you to do.
25 to 32 points . . . . . WACKO! You’re pretending to be pregnant.
