There’s no question that you are an individual, with a unique mélange of fascinating qualities forged in the smithy of your soul. However, once a woman is with child, studies have shown that she will instinctively camouflage her many charming facets to mimic the stereotypical behaviors you’ll see below. This is a survival technique that allows her unwitting peers to laugh at her instead of killing her with their hands.
If you have a problem with this brutal reality, we recommend taking it up with Nature herself.
Which of these stereotypes best describe you? Come on, admit it.
New Age Pregnant Lady
• Provides the hemp oil for her belly massage group
• Collects recipes for placenta pizza
• Only wears colors that don’t clash with her aura
• Believes that shoes interrupt the flow of dialogue twixt her and Gaia
Germophobic Pregnant Lady
• Carries a can of Lysol on a lanyard around her neck
• Wears a gas mask in doctor’s waiting room
• Sterilizes her food before eating it
• Uses Purell as lubricant
Pregnant Lady Who Subscribes to Too Many Pregnancy Magazines
• Buys $300 worth of makeup to ensure a “maternal glow”
• Has a Graco baby monitor strapped to her vagina
• Practices swaddling her husband
• Can tell you the due dates of up to twenty pregnant celebrities
Pregnant Lady Who Can’t Handle Being Pregnant
• Wears flannel nightgown and slippers to work
• Screams every time the baby kicks
• Stares longingly at grocery store sushi
• Has a birth plan that includes instructions on how to dial 911
Pregnant Lady Who LOVES Being Pregnant
• Practices beatific smile while knitting tiny baby clothing
• Flips her hair over her shoulder and exults in how shiny and manageable it’s become since she got pregnant
• Forces strangers to manhandle her abdomen
• Seriously asks doctor about keeping baby inside an extra month
Pregnant Lady Who Stubbornly Believes That Her Life Won’t Change At All After the Baby Comes
• Wears three-inch heels all the way into her third trimester
• Has her baby shower in a karaoke bar with nine Japanese businessmen
• Makes dinner reservations while pushing
• Plans to take the baby home from the hospital on a motorcycle
