Ask Dr. Bradley and Dr. Kennedy: on Unwanted Advice, Vengeful Girl Babies, and the Unfortunate Necessity of Doing It

Dear Doctors Bradley and Kennedy;

I am seven months pregnant and sick to death of people telling me “sleep all you can now because once the baby comes you’ll never sleep again!” I understand that the first few months are hard, but after that my sleep will return to normal, right?

– Mimi, Minneapolis, MN

Dear Mimi;

Though many people believe that parents suffer from fractured sleep for only the first few months after the baby is born, in reality, once you’re a female parent (or “farent”) your eyelids are genetically programmed to slowly fuse back into your head, leaving your eyeballs permanently, vividly exposed to everything that scurries and/or lumbers through your line of sight. Sure, you may insist that you’ve seen your own mother sleeping, but think about it: MAYBE you’ve only seen her wearing her incredibly lifelike eye-mask with an image of her closed eyes holographically projected on top of it. Doesn’t that make more sense?

The only way to counteract your inevitably sleepless postpartum existence is by joining NASA and passing all the astronaut tests so they can put you in suspended animation for the duration of your pregnancy. Then, when you find yourself lying awake all night and bathing your baby’s downy cheeks in salty, psychotic tears, you can cling to your fading sense-memory of those long, luxurious months you spent in a dreamless twilight state, being tube-fed nutrients and having your limbs exercised by a team of professionals.

Dear Internet Doctors;

My boyfriend’s sister says her grandmother told her that if you’re carrying the baby low, you’re having a girl. Since I haven’t yet had an ultrasound to find out the baby’s sex, do you think I have to now? Because this baby is so low, it’s like a cantaloupe between my legs.

– Celia, Atlanta, GA

Dear Celia;

Even during gestation, girl babies are determined to ruin your figure so that they can be prettier than you.

Dear Doctors;

I am worried that after I have my baby my husband will cheat on me because I might be too sore to have sexual intercourse with him. How long should I wait before having sex with him again, and are there other things I can do to prevent him from straying?

– Insecure in Indiana

Dear Insecure, IF THAT’S REALLY YOUR NAME;

Your husband will have just seen or heard about something enormous squeezing through his sacred property, and effectively destroying its usefulness for many months to come. (Many, many months.) You can go one of two ways at this point. On the one hand, sex may be the only thing that will erase this painful image from his weakened mind, so you may want to apply some numbing cream to your hurty parts and get to your marital obligations. If he climbs on top of you while you’re still on the delivery table, the doctors and nurses will give you a leather strap to bite on and then avert their eyes, knowing that your eyes will uncross once the afterbirth is removed.

On the other hand, if, while you’re recovering, he can’t spend some time bonding with the baby, helping out around the house, and worshiping you, then all we have to say is: WTF? If you dump him now, we will personally ensure that your disability checks are deposited in your bank account in a timely manner after the baby comes.

These statements have not been evaluated by actual health professionals. Alice Bradley tells people she is a Doctor of Parentology, and Eden M. Kennedy has an online degree in Therapy Googling.

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