What’s going on up in there?

If you’ve managed to keep your baby up in there for at least 37 weeks, he is ready to come out into the world and breathe air, drink milk, and search for pornography on your computer. The longer you keep him inside you the more weight he’ll gain, up to half a pound a week. If this is your first baby, you may want to stop eating this month, keeping baby slightly malnourished and thereby easier to push through the birth canal, an opening that’s normally no wider than a golf ball. So good luck with that.

Here’s Your Baby!

Would you have guessed?

Here’s the thing: the last month of pregnancy sucks balls and there’s nothing you can do about it but have a good cry. There, there, this will all be over soon. Here, I think I have an Altoid in my purse.

My god, you’re huge.