More Things Pregnant Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Do

We at Let’s Panic HQ recently heard about a New Orleans restaurant refusing a pregnant woman a glass of wine. Kudos, restaurant staffers! Even though licensed doctors in the medical profession claim that a glass of wine can help a pregnant women relax, we’d like to know: since when has a pregnant woman had the good sense to stop at one glass? Isn’t that what got them into this whole “pregnancy” mess in the first place?

Indeed, we applaud this sort of nanny-culture knee-jerk refusal to let a pregnant woman do anything that seems even a little bit “off.” These women don’t know what’s best for them. We wish more businesses and things refused to let pregnant women do whatever! Here are a few of our suggestions.

  • McDonald’s: Should refuse to let women inside, as images of Ronald McDonald may cause fetal terror
  • Chuck E. Cheese: Should not let pregnant women play in or near the ball pit
  • WalMart: Should recruit pregnant women as greeters so that everyone can keep an eye on them
  • PepsiCo: Should invent a soft drink for pregnant women that contains folic acid and shame
  • InStyle Magazine: Should publish only pictures of postpartum celebrities who have lost every ounce of their babyweight
  • Nabisco: Should go out of business altogether to protect pregnant women from the demonic lure of Oreos
  • Grass: Should not allow pregnant women to walk on it in case their fetuses are allergic
  • Airplanes: Should never contain pregnant women because a sudden loss of cabin pressure will cause them to explode
  • Rollercoasters: Are recommended. There’s nothing a fetus finds more soothing than centrifugal force!

Rollercoaster are safe and fun!

Things that will nauseate you...

...during your first trimester:

Smooth jazz

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