Regarding Advanced Maternal Age

Sigourney_WeaverLadies! Are you over 35 and considering having your first baby? Good news: you are no longer seen as a medical and/or social curiosity! Come out into the light!

More and more women these days are waiting to have their children until their careers are settled, or they’ve finally found a partner and no longer have to legally register as a “spinster.” And we think that’s nice. There are some considerations and concerns, however, for the more mature mother-to-be.

If you’re able to get pregnant without medical intervention, well, bully for you! Don’t be surprised if, when you go to your doctor asking for a confirmation of your pregnancy test, he insists that you’re a) going through menopause or b) are a witch. Male doctors, especially, are behind the times on this relatively recent older-mom trend. If your OB/GYN used to be your mom’s pediatrician, smokes a cigar while performing your exam, or insists that pap smears are “nothing but hoodoo,” it’s time to find a new practitioner–one who’s a little more “with it.”

Similarly, IVF and IUI treatments may be available to you, even if your doctor screams when you mention it. Where did you find this doctor, anyway? Did you perform some kind of incantation over a Norman Rockwell painting? Are you a witch? Not that we’re judging. No judgments, here.

Please don’t hex us.

Now. While a healthy woman at any age (within reason) can have a successful pregnancy, there are some conditions for which your child may be at higher risk. Let’s take a look, shall we?

If you become pregnant over the age of 35, you have a .0006% chance of having a baby with a forked tongue.

Over 40: Your child is .113% more likely to be born with the ability to murder using only his thoughts.

Over 42: Your child is at 1.092% greater risk of being a spoken-word artist.

Over 45: You’ve got a 3.0000007% chance of giving birth to a “goat whisperer.”

Over 47: Your child will grow up to be 8.04111% more likely to suffer “Chinatown Syndrome,”  in which he believes that you are actually his grandmother.

Over 50: 10% increased risk of all of the above, plus hammertoes (7.192% chance)

Over 55: 90.831% more likely to spend his first few years of life making guest appearances on daytime talk shows

Over 60: Your child will most likely be born a wood nymph or a pixie.

Over 65: Stop it.

Things that will nauseate you...

...during your first trimester:

Canada

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