Should you panic about H1N1?

H1N1More than you can even imagine.

If you wanted to be reassured (i.e., fed a soothing porridge of half-truths and whimsy) you should have gone over to that other site, “Let’s be Calm and Ignorant about Pregnancy,” which only exists in Bizarro Land, because no one wants to be calm at such a terrifying, terrifying time.

While it is true that the flu (also called Influenza, also called the Black Plague) (note: the Black Plague may in fact be something else) (2nd note: Okay, okay, we Googled it, it’s something else) has always struck fear in the hearts of mothers and mothers-to-be and epidemiologists everywhere, this year is especially pants-crappingly scary. Because in addition to the regular flu, we now have newcomer H1N1, a flu that is reportedly almost to just as bad to occasionally worse than the regular flu.

What’s a woman to do during her vulnerable months of gestation? There are conspiracy theorists who advocate staying away from the vaccine at all costs; while there’s no proof that there’s a single thing wrong with the vaccine, we approve of their alarmist, hysterical tone, and agree that simply vaccinating yourself and getting on with life is not nearly dramatic enough. Therefore, we’ve compiled some tips to keep you extra, extra safe until flu season is over and/or you’re the only living person on Earth:

  • Keep away from children, especially their sticky, germy fingers. (also: palms).
  • Do you already have a child? Keep it in a separate area of the house or state until the danger has passed (note: this could take years).
  • Call your child “it” so you have an easier time separating from him/her/it.
  • Do you have a bomb shelter?
  • What do you mean, you don’t have a bomb shelter?
  • Enjoy this soothing daily ritual: fill your bathtub with Purell; after soaking for an hour, scrub away any extra germs with an SOS Steel Wool soap pad!
  • If you hear any moaning and scratching at your door, barricade it.
  • Have some barricades handy, in case of moaning/scratching.
  • Don’t bother purchasing barricades. The barricade aisle in Home Depot has long since been cleaned out by all the sensible people. You’ll have to chop down some nearby trees and split them according to your door specifications.
  • The CDC is now claiming H1N1 is nothing to panic over. This is because they’ve all been infected. Do not visit the CDC website.
  • Is it true that contracting H1N1 will give you a thirst for delicious spinal fluid? This is absolutely true. The CDC will deny it, because they’re lying undead governmental stooges.
  • Fabrics such as cotton, wool, nylon, spandex etc. are horrifyingly absorbent and will soak up germs like a sponge. The germs then travel right to your skin and burrow through your skin until they get into your bloodstream and then you’re in trouble, all right. Wear only rubber and/or iron.
  • Things that will nauseate you...

    ...during your first trimester:

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