What Pregnant Women Definitely Shouldn’t Consume

You’ve no doubt already discovered that there are all manner of seemingly benign foods that are in fact incredibly dangerous to your helpless, helpless Baby Larry King!baby. Coffee will cross the placenta and cause your baby to grow a thick, hairy pelt, while your habit of huffing airplane glue will cause Baby to develop an eerie resemblance to Larry King. That’s just common sense!

So, you think you’re already avoiding all the substances you’re supposed to, and you’re feeling pretty good about yourself. That’s where we come in. As it turns out, plenty of so-called medical authorities want you to relax and think you can recklessly eat more than four of five different foods throughout your pregnancy. Your doctor might even insist that you can occasionally nibble on soft cheeses or sip some red wine. NONSENSE. Next, will he tell you that cigarettes aren’t as bad everyone thinks, and in fact can “revive” your “t-zone”? Will he prescribe a six-pack of Coors Lite as a “refreshing afternoon break, when you need to put your feet up and let your fetus tie one on”?!!?!

Your doctor is an idiot. We thought you should know.

Now, we don’t want to take part in any cheap accusations. It’s beneath us to imply that anyone’s pandering to corporate interests. (By the way, has your doctor jetted off on any Soft Foreign Cheese junkets lately? Why not ask him?)

You are so lucky to have us. We’re not being paid by Big Substance, and we’re not afraid to tell the truth! We have an extensive list of everything you should avoid ingesting, inhaling, or standing near—no matter what your doctors claim. Read this and nothing else! Admire how much we educate you!

(Click on table to enlarge)
Substances to Avoid

Things that will nauseate you...

...during your first trimester:

Paprika

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