why, Why, WHY?

Pregnant women want answers and they want them now! And if they can’t have them now then it’s our duty to make something up as soon as possible.

WHY do I feel a sharp poking inside me?
pineapple!In order to protect himself from his semi-toxic aquatic environment, your baby has developed a tough, fibrous rind, not unlike that of a pineapple. And just like a pineapple’s, this fetal rind has spiny barbs which keep any of the adjacent organs from encroaching on its territory and/or absorbing the baby within. Those twinges are just your baby’s way of saying hello, and not to worry because he’s already practicing self-defense! If your baby is born prematurely, your doctors and nurses will peel off the rind before you even notice, and will then deny that any such rind existed. But it was there! Say, is anyone else in the mood for a piña colada?

WHY have my legs developed varicose veins?
Your body is hell-bent on circulating up to four pounds of extra blood to nourish you and your baby through pregnancy, and that blood needs legs to hideously pulsate through. Excess platelets are throbbing through every vein in your body, including your head, and were it not for the miracle of varicose veins, your brain would swell until it slowly pushed through your ears, nose, and eyes. Remember to always wear pants, lest roving packs of Red Cross volunteers set upon you. Also, vampires.

WHY do I have these strange marks on my belly?
Do they look sort of crinkly and irregular, like tiger stripes? They’re probably stretch marks, and they’re certainly nothing to be ashamed of. It’s because you’re getting bigger and bigger, and if you didn’t stretch you’d explode, so stretch away, mama! If you need to hide these marks because you’re filled with self-loathing, put a shirt on, and quit whining. Sheesh.

Things that will nauseate you...

...during your first trimester:


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