It’s not too late! How to make your baby less like its father

By Mrs. Robert G. Wrightson

Young ladies:

Grandmother_-_Albert_AnkerAs you are currently drunk on gestation-related hormones, as well as perhaps a snort or three of sherry, you may believe you married the perfect mate: a dreamboat whose body odor brings to mind freshly baked pumpkin pie; a gentleman who flirts with your grandmother; a specimen whose many talents include baking a Sacher torte from scratch. Naturally you want your baby to turn out just like him, don’t you?

You silly fools.

While I am sure your partner is “hot stuff,” or whatever terminology you prefer, surely you are overlooking his many and varied flaws. How he “accidentally” cleaned out the grease trap with your favorite blouse, for instance. Or that he wears Mexican wrestling outfits to bed. And let’s not forget how your grandmother wrote him a note requesting that he cease his foolish advances, but he continues to bat his eyelashes at her and insist that he’s “pining.”

These chinks in his manly armor seem small and inoffensive now, but as the years progress they will widen and sag until you can see his yellowed and frayed drawers underneath what once was polished and gleaming. On the other hand, at that point you won’t notice his armor, because you’ll be too busy staring at the hair climbing out of his ear-holes.

Unfortunately, nature has made it so that men become less attractive and more foolish as they age, and even the tiniest of character quirks can become almost unbearable as the years hurl themselves at you. Not only must you deal with your husband, you must also face the horror of seeing the same “quirks” emerge in your male progeny, and know that you have cursed yet another generation of women. So what’s a mother to do?

You must busy yourself with prevention: keep your boy-youngster from becoming a carbon copy of Sir Awful of Stupidbridge on the couch over there. It may not work, but no one can blame you for trying. Here are just a few helpful tips, young ladies, from my generation to yours. Heed them well.

Problem: Your husband has no clue how to style his hair. None. Granted, he has a challenging hairline. But still.
In twenty years: He’ll give up and shave it all off, believing that this gives him a confident, virile air. It does not. He head is littered with moles and bumps.
Therefore: Buy your little one a bucket of pomade, and use old photos of your husband as illustrative guides of what not to do.

Problem: Your husband Bob (let’s call him Bob) has an appealingly stupid face, which you think makes him look a little like a puppy.
In twenty years: He will look so much like a basset hound you will want to hit him whenever he looks at you, or calls you on the phone.
Therefore: Facial exercises! It’s not too early for your son to learn them! It can also be a worthwhile hobby to point out whenever your son is making a face as stupid as his father might make.

Problem: His laugh. Oh God, his laugh.
In twenty years: He’s still not dead.
Therefore: It’s the future, so surely there are laws against laughing like that, and your child, should he inherit his father’s donkey-like braying, will be appropriately penalized? There are laughing-schools, no?

Problem: Bob grew up with a horror of any food that’s green.
In twenty years: He’ll still demand mashed potatoes every night with his steak, like you don’t have tendinitis from all that mashing.
Therefore: Cry until your son agrees to eat a broccoli stalk, and then shower him with kisses and money.

Problem: It’s a little uncanny, how much Bob smells like patent medicine.
In twenty years: You’ll move his stuff into the guest bedroom.
Therefore: Did you know children could be brined?

Problem: Bob is beginning to lose patience with how much you criticize him.
In twenty years: Bob has stopped talking to you.
Therefore: GOOD.

Problem: Bob thinks you might not love him as much as you said you did that one time.
In twenty years: Bob is spending most of his time in a tent in the backyard.

Problem: Bob hates it when you vacuum in his presence.
Therefore: Teach your son that the vacuum will do things for him that his Daddy can’t do, like keep his mattress free of dust mites. Then withhold your love until he agrees to vacuum up his father’s precious coin collection. His future wife will thank you!

Things that will nauseate you...

...during your first trimester:

Corn chips

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