Ways your partner might try to get closer to you, and how to thwart him

Sad Dad You’re hugely pregnant, and while you might feel like you should be on display in a tank at Sea World, your partner thinks you’re the sexiest little blubber source he’s ever seen. He is way into the idea of getting right up in your personal space. We mean close. No, closer. So close he’s getting all tangled up in your baleen. Unfortunately, you’re sweaty and hot and itchy and your nasal passages are swollen and all you want is air, God, WOULD SOMEONE OPEN A GODDAMN WINDOW IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK. How do you tolerate some man-beast’s troublesome need for love while still respecting your ever-expanding personal boundaries?

When he: Cuddles in bed.
What you feel like doing: Elbow to the neck.
What you should do: Grit your teeth and permit it.
Why?: At least he’s not trying to give you a back rub.

When he: Tries to give you a back rub.
What you feel like doing: Scream “STOP TOUCHING ME!”
What you should do: Scream “STOP TOUCHING ME, PLEASE! THANKS!”
Why?: You both know his hands are just going to migrate straight to your breasts.

When he: Stares at you longingly.
What you feel like doing: Giving him the finger.
What you should do: Tight smile.
Why?: Aw, he loves you!

When he: Sits next to you.
What you want to do: Set the couch on fire.
What you should do: Set the couch on fire.
Why?: Now he can feel like he has a special job! He’s a fireman!

Instead of waiting for him to annoy the shit out of you, why not be proactive and find things he can do, so he can feel useful? Things like:

• Making nachos
• Filling out life-insurance forms
• Fluffing your body pillow
• Finding your shoes
• Reading those nursing advice pamphlets you’ve been meaning to look at (he might enjoy these more than you, if you catch our drift!) (Boobs.)

Naturally you’d rather not think about him and his emotions at a time like this, but let’s face it: your partner might be feeling a little adrift. Perhaps literally. Did you disengage his life raft from your yacht? Here are some things you can do to ease his emotional pain, without having to engage in any form of physical contact:

• Pat him on the back with a spatula.
• Can he give you a pedicure? No? What if he puts on latex gloves first?
• Why not send him a romantic text? Tip: hide first, so he can’t try and follow up in person.
• Give him a special nickname! How about:

El Mysterioso
Faithful Companion


Whatever you call him, remember to do it with love, or at least benign indifference. After all, you won’t be pregnant some day, and then you’ll want him around. To get you pregnant all over again, and continue this horrible cycle.

Things that will nauseate you...

...during your first trimester:

The Mesozoic era

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