Your Partner Wants to Be More Involved in Your Pregnancy!

Happy expecting pregnant coupleYour husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, sugar daddy, one-night stand, and/or gynecologist all have one thing in common: they want to be more involved in your pregnancy than you can possibly imagine. The fact that your body has a cute, little human being growing inside it has made your significant other just a wee bit jealous, frankly, and if you want your partner to continue to support and empathize with you after the endorphins have worn off, you need to let him or her see, feel, touch, and share the experience of what it’s like being you!

Nausea Simulator
Did you know? The third Saturday of every month, the NASA janitor leaves the back door open! So why not sneak in with your loved one for a whirl on the Re-entry Nausea Simulator™? NASA’s highly advanced technology gives you more than just a queasy feeling after a car ride through the mountains. It actually recreates the sights, sounds, sense of doom, and horrible body odors that bombard an astronaut after months of confinement in a space craft the size of a mini-van with seven burping, unshowered human beings. It’s your entire first trimester rolled into one sickly afternoon. After an hour on this thing, your partner will love you more than you could possibly imagine.

Alternately, you could stuff your beloved full of Ho-Hos™ and spin him/her around on an office chair for a few hours. Whichever one is most cost-effective.

Swollen Ankles Syndrome
Buy your partner a pair of shoes that are half a size smaller and narrower than what he normally wears. Then buy a six-pack and a case of Doritos, and turn up the thermostat to 80. His fingers, toes, and ankles will be swollen to unsightly proportions in no time! Now you can spend your evenings lying on the floor with your feet up the wall and worrying about deep-vein thrombosis together. Awww!

Tender Breastisization
Swollen, tender breasts are easy to recreate! To give a male an inkling of what you’re going through, some simple implant surgery will do the trick — the post-operative phase alone will bring him to his knees. Most female partners will already be up to speed on this one, but for those lucky few who have never experienced PMS, a temporary chemically-induced hormonal imbalance is just a couple of birth control pills away.

Spotting
Uh, better let this one go.

Back Ache
A couple of punches in the kidneys ought to do it.

Headache
Three words: cast iron skillet.

Things that will nauseate you...

...during your first trimester:

Shag rugs

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