Your Own Customizable Birth Plan

I'm writing my birth plan!If you’re anything like the two of us, you’ve had your birth plan ready for years. You were working on it before you even knew you were pregnant, before you even had a partner/spouse/stuffed-animal-spouse-substitute. You were composing your birth plan while fiddling with your retainer, using your very best scented markers and puffy stickers in your Hello Kitty diary. Yes, if you’re as wonderful as we are, you’re all set. Well done.

We recognize, however, that there might be some women who are, sadly, not like us–who are asking themselves “What’s a birth plan?” It’s tempting for us just to turn our backs and tell your type just to breathe in some ether and let the specialists do whatever they need to do. (Did you know there’s a baby in you? That’s why your stomach is so big!) (Also, it’s not in your stomach. Just FYI.)

Although we still think you’re a bit of a dimwit, we will take it upon ourselves to educate you, because the dispersal of truth is what the Internet is all about. A birth plan is a document that you, the pregnant woman, should have already prepared either on your own or with a partner, friend, midwife, or local ombudsman. It’s a way of organizing your intentions and desires and getting them rolling together in the same direction so that in the heat of labor, when God forbid a doctor is hovering over you with a plastic spoon and threatening to dig out the baby through your navel, you can scream, “THAT ISN’T IN MY BIRTH PLAN!” and your minions can legally descend upon him or her and tear at his or her limbs with their neatly filed teeth.

Ideally, you’ve discussed your birth plan ahead of time with your doctor or midwife so that everyone feels comfortable with your desires. Or you can just print this out when the first contraction hits, fill in the blanks when your mucous plug falls out, and fling it at the first orderly you see on your way screaming into labor and delivery.

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Things that will nauseate you...

...during your first trimester:

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